** T.H.O. season has officially arrived.
** Lost and Found bins make me wanna scrub myself with acid.
** Santa’s gonna have to start turnin’ tricks to pay for all the shit on the Christmas lists this year.
** No crossing streams in the bathroom with your friends is apparently a rule that needs to be implemented in our house.
** It’s important to scan for sprinkles before sitting down to pee. (Too bad my ass didn’t learn this.)
** I’m ready to go to bed before my kids are these days.
** There’s a 25 Days of Christmas Angry Birds edition!
** People really like free shit! (By the way, have you entered my contest yet?)
** Goatdog is an even bigger dick when my husband’s out of town.
** I’d rather eat nails than listen to someone snore.
** Nothin’ can turn a frown upside down like a new pair of shoes.
** I could write a whole book on things that are bullshit.
** Somebody needs to take a chill pill on the whole 3-D movie phenomenon.
** They really need to make Midol for second graders.
** I may fly back to the North Pole with our Elf on the Shelf one night. (Mama needs a break.)
** ‘Tis the season once again for crazy parking space stalkers at the mall.
** My sweet tooth has taken the wheel. (Sorry, Jesus.)
** I’m just always gonna be late for everything, so suck it.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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