Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Your cabin fever’s reached Code Red when you’re jealous of the squirrels outside breathing in all that fresh, freezing cold air.

** Trying to work a crossword puzzle when you’re tired just makes you feel stupid.  And tired.

** I’ve washed my hands so many times over the past few days that I may no longer have fingerprints.

** Words cannot describe the joy I experienced after shaving off the Hundred Acre Woods from my overgrown legs.

** Lately, I’ve seen more Selena Gomez than Justin Bieber’s wet dreams have.

** Having great friends is nothing short of AWESOME when you’re housebound for days on end.

** A chemical warfare could be started with the ick that’s collected on my son’s toilet.

** Richard Simmons is powered by either Energizer or cocaine.  Or maybe both.

** I’m pretty sure my boobs are allergic to hay.  Don’t ask.

** A good night’s sleep would be better than winning the lottery.  Or at least a close second.

** Half days of school are bullshit.  Unless, of course, you’re a teacher.

** Despite what I might think (and I REALLY wondered this week), God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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The Evolution of Sleep Deprivation

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the dreadful toll motherhood has taken on my sleeping patterns.  Little by little, I’m starting to realize that this sleep deprivation shit is just a never-ending, vicious cycle that nobody ever REALLY tells you about.  Evidently, it never really goes away but just presents itself in different forms along the way, starting from the time you pop that kid out of your uterus until the day you die.  (So much to look forward to, huh?!)

When your kids are babies, you think, “OH MY GOD, I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT BE TIRED EVER AGAIN!!” as you repeatedly drag yourself out of bed for those middle of the night feedings.  You pace the floor with a wild look in your eyes as you rock that little bundle with all your desperate might.  And you tell yourself that it MUST be better once he or she finally learns to sleep through the night.

Then the toddler years hit, and you think, “OH MY GOD, I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT BE TIRED EVER AGAIN!!” as you make numerous trips down the hall to reposition a bed-hopping munchkin back in his/her rightful slumbering place.  You seriously consider duct tape, super glue, or a staple gun as your only viable options.  But you tell yourself that SURELY it’ll be better once your little pumpkin gets over the separation anxiety hurdle.

And then the elementary school years arrive, and you think, “OH MY GOD, I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT BE TIRED EVER AGAIN!!” as you hold your puking kid’s hair back over the porcelain god at 3 AM.  You eventually lay your barf-spattered self back in your bed, only to hear more gagging coming from your other offspring’s room.  And you assure yourself that things HAVE to be better once their immunity builds up.

But then the teenage years roll in, and you think, “OH MY GOD, I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT BE TIRED EVER AGAIN!!” as you lie in bed worrying whether your social butterfly of a daughter will finally arrive home in one piece before curfew.  Your ears perk up and your heart skips a beat with each passing car that you hear.  And you promise yourself that things WILL eventually be better once your child becomes a responsible adult (*fingers crossed*).

However, your baby’s finally all grown up, and you STILL find yourself thinking, “OH MY GOD, I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT BE TIRED EVER AGAIN!!” as you wake up in a pool of your own sweat while your mind races over all the crap that you didn’t get done that day.  You can deny it all you want, but menopause has decided to be your new BFF, and zombie-chic is once again your new everyday look.

And it’s then, and only then, that you realize that you will FINALLY get a good night’s sleep………..when you’re six feet under the ground.

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** An Eskimo is something I could never ever be.

** You know it’s cold when the geese are saying “Let’s get the HELL outta here!!!!” as they fly overhead.

** I need a restraining order for the insomnia that continues to stalk me.

** Trying to get a third grader to work on a research project is about as easy as trying to get a mime to karaoke.

** It’s fun to get all fancied up in a dress and heels, but it’s even more fun to come home and put your sweats on afterwards.

** My good friends know that when I say I’ll be there in ten minutes, it really means twenty.

** If ever my son’s hands WEREN’T attached to his penis, I’d swear he’d finally pulled it off.

** Two steps forward typically result in five steps back.

** The grumpy old troll who lives under Dora’s bridge could very well be chillin’ in the back seat of my messy-ass car, and I’d never even know it.

** I literally cannot wait for the new season of “Breaking Bad” to begin again.

** My kids can wreck a room faster than a drunken post-concert 80′s hair band.

** Gray hair and wrinkles are my new everyday accessories.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Breakfast Buzz Kill


Do you ever wanna just walk away from your kids in public and act like you don’t know who the hell they are?  No?  Surely that’s not just me.  Call me Mommy Dearest if you will, but when my kids have a brain fart and act like complete Neanderthals who’ve never heard of manners, I sometimes think it would be easier to point and stare and pretend like I’m disgusted by the horrible excuse of a parent who would allow her children to behave so poorly.

This is exactly what I would liked to have done over the weekend to my cranky, over-tired pip squeaks.  You see, my husband and I spontaneously decided to take the kids on an overnight adventure in downtown Chicago.  We just knew they’d be super-jazzed about being able to swim in a hotel pool when it’s colder than snot outside.  Plus, we thought it would be fun to tootle around Navy Pier a bit.

And sure enough, they were giddy with glee about doing something out of the ordinary and being able to stay up late giggling and jumping on the beds without getting into trouble.  But by the next morning, that very same giddiness had turned into straight-up grouchiness.  Mr. and Mrs. Sour Puss were a barrel of fun and good times at breakfast when they complained about every little thing under the moon.  Honestly, how can you possibly bitch about chocolate chip pancakes??!!  There was a kicking war going on under the table, and my son appeared to have never held a fork and knife in his life as he stabbed and poked at his food like it was a dead raccoon on the side of the road.

I seriously considered joining the lively table of twenty-somethings sitting near us so I could ditch the buzz kills at our booth.  Here we were having this lovely family outing in the city, and our kids were trying to take a big old dump on the whole experience.  Well this mama just wasn’t gonna have it!  So with the help of a few threats about skipping the giant ferris wheel and driving their little booties straight back to the ‘burbs, those frowns magically turned upside down, and we finished our breakfast without disturbing too much of the peace.

Now perhaps I was hallucinating, but I swear I heard applause as we were exiting the restaurant.  I silently patted myself on the back for my awesome parenting skills at busting some balls, until I realized that they were likely cheering because we were finally leaving.  Doh!

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Stop Internet Censorship

In support of  the #SOPAstrike, this is all you get today, peeps.  And if you want to join the movement to protest SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act), you can sign the petition to Congress.

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Things I’ve Learned This Week


** Skinny celebrities who say they get their cardio by “chasing their kids around” are more full of shit than my backyard.

** I don’t have a few new leaves to turn over — I have a whole damn PILE.

** Victoria’s Secret catalogs that arrive in the dead of January when we’re all a little heftier from the holidays can suck it.

** Some other famous person needs to have a baby so we can stop freaking talking about Beyonce & Jay-Z.

** If anyone ever needs to know when it’s 3 AM, just ask my bladder.  It always knows.

** This household’s ship would sink faster than the Titanic without me.

** It really sucks to complete a 1,000 piece puzzle and realize you only have 999 pieces.

** A snowstorm coinciding with your husband coming back from a long business trip makes for seriously sucky timing.

** Bears have sure got the right idea, what with the hibernating and all.

** If I live to be even a fraction as cool as Betty White, I will be one very happy old lady.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Trust the Gut

I may not know what the hell I’m doing half the time with this whole parenting gig, but one thing that I have learned from experience is to trust my gut when it comes to my kids.  (After all, they’re the ones who are responsible for making it a lot less flat than it used to be).  So if my gut is telling me that my daughter is, in fact, sick, I’m sure as shit gonna listen to it over some grouchy, old doctor who should’ve retired about ten years ago.

My latest conversation with the old gut came this past week when my poor little girl had practically coughed up a damn lung trying to go to sleep each and every night.  It seems that the horizontal position just didn’t quite agree with her.  After letting her sleep in and miss the beginning of school last Thursday, I took it upon myself to make an appointment at the pediatrician’s office to hopefully find out just what the hell was going on.  The kid had, after all, been coughing for a good solid week.

Unfortunately, we were scheduled with the old fossil of the practice, a man who clearly should have hung up his stethoscope at least a decade ago.  I kid you not, when this dinosaur of a doctor entered the exam room with his laptop, he needed a full fifteen minutes of time (and no, I’m not at all exaggerating here) to pull up my daughter’s chart.  He bitched and moaned about this “new technology” as he hunted and pecked his way through the foreign territory of his keyboard with one finger.

And after a long-awaited fifty-minute diagnosis?  He claimed that it was just “allergies” and that we should try a “teaspoon of honey” at bedtime (which my daughter detests, by the way) and some samples of Singulair with which to experiment.  I was told to call him by Tuesday if things hadn’t improved.

Well, things most definitely did NOT improve.  In fact, they actually grew worse, and the coughing became non-stop, causing the child to lose even more much-needed sleep.  My ever-reliable gut told me that this had developed into something more than just allergies.  There was no way I was going to wait another day and make her suffer even further.

So yesterday, I arranged yet another appointment with anyone BUT the bygone of the office and found out that my daughter’s condition had actually developed into a sinus infection.  Now, do I like to just slap my kids with unnecessary antibiotics?  Hell no!  But clearly, this was something that was NOT going away on its own and was turning into a vicious cycle of sleeplessness for a very over-tired little girl.

So, no, I may not have all the answers to everything, and I’m by no means crowning myself “Parent of the Year.”  But I do know that when my gut is practically screaming at me to listen, I’m gonna do my best to listen.  And now, if you’ll please excuse me, my gut is telling me it needs some wine and chocolate asap…..

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** If a day ever went by where a kid HADN’T peed on a toilet seat here, I’d swear I was in the wrong house.

** I seriously could not be more unorganized.

** Everybody needs a mental health day.  (Still waiting impatiently to cash in on mine….)

** Homework supervision is totally interfering with my tweeting and Facebooking.

** There are some days that I’m allergic to motherhood (like Mondays and Fridays).

** Casey Anthony couldn’t be more full of herself even if she stuck her own head up her ass.

** New Year’s resolutions are clearly not for me.

** There are evidently still “mean girls” in the adult world.  Sad but very true.

** 1,000 piece puzzles are extremely addictive, especially for nerds like me.

** It’s highly possible to be a little TOO neighborly.

** Legos, thank God, are still the bomb.

** Sushi makes a really crappy week a little less crappy.

** A crazy woman in the UK gave her daughter a voucher for lipo as a stocking stuffer. And here my kids just got candy canes….

** The shit and the fan are meeting way too often these days.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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The New Year’s Guinea Pig Attack

The older I get, the more I realize that New Year’s Eve is totally overrated.  I mean, seriously, what’s the point of getting all dolled up to spend a shit-ton of money to fight a bunch of annoying crowds to risk being hit by a drunk driver and to then be disappointed that the night wasn’t nearly as fabulous as you’d hoped it would be?  That’s why my husband and I made the executive decision many moons ago to just stay home and have our own little family party to ring in the new year.

A big part of that annual New Year’s tradition has become our crazy family photo shoot in which every member of the Nucking Futs household gathers together in front of our sloppily colored Happy New Year banner.  We’re talkin’ fish, dogs and people alike.  And this year, we even had to add the damn guinea pig to the mix.

My husband always piles books upon books onto a bar stool to get just the right angle before he sets the automatic timer on the camera.  He then has to bust a move to get into his proper position before the picture is snapped.  Naturally, this ends up taking multiple tries before success is reached with everyone’s heads accounted for and nobody’s eyes closed.  This year, however, we had a very unexpected interruption in the photo-taking process.  Yep, leave it to Goatdog to be the one to put a kink in the creative flow of fun.

We were on about “Take #9” when things went straight to hell in a handbasket.  My legs were going numb from holding Goatdog’s fifty pound ass on my lap for so long, and my husband had just wriggled his way in between my son and my daughter after setting the timer yet again.  And then suddenly, just before the flash went off, Goatdog lunged straight at the guinea pig, snapping at his furry little head.  You can probably just imagine all the screaming and utter chaos that ensued.

The pig was shaking like a leaf, my daughter was bawling hysterically, and my husband was yelling as he tried to keep Goatdog at bay.  (Do you see now why we never get professional family photos?)  Miraculously, we were somehow able to get everyone to calm down long enough to get back into place and take a relatively decent picture.  It certainly wasn’t easy, but we managed to ring in the new year with all family members alive and accounted for.  Here’s to a great 2012, y’all!

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Things I’ve Learned This Year (A Recap of the Best of 2011)

** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don’t ask.)

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** My kids wait to take a dump until it’s time to walk out the door.

** This ass isn’t gonna run itself off.

** You can never ever hug your kids too much.

** When life hands you lemons, it’s best to dance while making lemonade.

** Questions before 8 AM should totally be illegal.

** Inserting foot into mouth is something I do quite well.

** Dressing room mirrors are as cruel as Joan Rivers on the red carpet.

** If no one is bleeding or dead, that is considered a successful day.

** Child labor is one of the great benefits of parenting.

** Contrary to what my kids think, boogers are not a snack food.

** I will forever be a human coat rack.

** Asking for a drama-free morning in my house is like asking a nudist not to be naked.

** Homework and wine go hand in hand.

** Sometimes it really does help to read the directions.

** The males in my house would no doubt forget their balls if they weren’t attached to their bodies.

** It’s a double-edged painful sword when a woman sleeps through the night without having to pee.

** Peace and quiet are about as likely to show up in my house as a maid and a bartender.

** If I had a dollar for every time I dropped my iPhone, I could buy a new iPhone.

** Friends don’t let friends walk around with camel toe.

** There’s a “Know-It-All Mom” in every single crowd.

** No matter where you hide, they ALWAYS find you.

** M&M’s last about as long in this house as a teenage boy with a hooker.

** If my daughter had a tattoo, it would say, “I save the drama for my mama.

** It’s time to do laundry when you’re trying to talk your second grader into going commando.

** I would punch myself in the face if I had to work at a Build-A-Bear Workshop.

** I’m just a mini bar and a pillow away from living in my car.

** I would rather give a homeless man a pedicure than watch the Casey Anthony trial on t.v.

** When you travel with kids, it’s a trip.  When you travel without them, it’s a vacation.

** Trying to get your kids to sleep at a water park is like trying to get a nun to pole dance.

** It’s safer to just wear a helmet 24/7.

** There’s nothing sexier than watching your husband empty the dishwasher completely unprompted.

** 2 AM looks WAY different than it used to.

** Someone should come up with a Beano for brain farts.

** Whoever said “Don’t cry over spilled milk” never saw how much friggin’ milk my kids spill.

** It helps to remember that there’s always someone with a messier house than you.

** Camping is so much more enjoyable when I don’t have to be a part of it.

** If a man looks like a gang of pubes have collected on his chin, he should probably think twice about sportin’ a beard.  Just sayin’.

** My son keeps more crap in his bed than Hugh Hefner.

** The volume of kids’ voices immediately goes to full max when dining in a restaurant.

** People who only write inspirational quotes for their Facebook status scare me.

** I’m ready for bed before my kids are anymore.

** Not even Calgon can take me away at this point.

** The evolution of road rage surely began in a school carpool line.

** It’s called a “hot” glue gun for a reason.  Ouch!

** There’s no calling in sick when you’re a mom.

** If clogging up toilets were an Olympic sport, my children would have a gold medal in it.

** My last uninterrupted conversation took place in 2002.

** A giant cardboard box is the greatest toy you could give a kid.

** When you run errands without a bra, you’re guaranteed to run into people you know.

** Every time I try to be the early bird, my kids have already beaten me to the damn worm.

** Skid marks can suck it.

** Screw Santa — MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!

** There’s something pretty freaking awesome about staying in your pj’s all day long.

** A brick wall would respond more to a conversation than my kids do sometimes.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

HERE’S TO LEARNING MANY MORE THINGS IN THE NEW YEAR!!!!
* Cheers, y’all! *

 

 

 

 

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