Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** It’s evidently mating season for a-holes.

** If I never go to the U.S. Post Office again, it’ll be too soon.

** Summer needs to just tap the brakes.

** Rip Van Winkle’s got nothing on my husband.

** Appliances tend to break down in multiples.

** My pantry can’t seem to keep up with my kids.

** It should probably surprise me to find half a cheeseburger in the back seat of my car.

** But, sadly, it doesn’t.

** I wish I enjoyed my children’s farts as much as they do.

** People who start countdowns to Christmas in July can bite me.

** Being stuck in a group text vortex is like being cornered by a pack of wolves.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** There’s no place like home.  (Even if it IS a giant wreck of a mess.)

** My kids actually DO sorta kinda miss me when I’m not around.  Who knew?!

** Someone needs to murder the smoke alarm in our attic.  Seriously.  Like, yesterday.

** Just because YOU’RE having a bad day does not mean that everyone else should, too.

** I wish I could make money as fast as I’m shelling it out to my kids this summer.

** Nobody seems to use turn signals anymore.  WTF?!

** Though many applicants didn’t get the memo, the position of “Jackass” has already been filled.

** I’m starting to think “Death by Laundry” will be the title of my obituary.

** A nail fungus commercial is most definitely NOT something you wanna see while you’re eating dinner.

** The “dumb card” is severely overplayed.

** It is both exhilarating and infuriating to organize all your kids’ crap.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** June somehow pulled a giant disappearing act on us.

** The more laundry I have to fold, the more I dream about becoming a nudist family.

** Tim Howard is a modern-day Superman.

** Sleepovers involve pretty much everything BUT sleep.

** When I see people packing up all their tents & gear to set up in the woods somewhere, I can’t help but think how much I love not camping.

** Disney Channel theme songs run uncontrollably through my head 24/7. 

** Fireworks and stupid people are a dangerous combination.

** Instead of sexy, I’m bringing napping back.

** The town “fun run” sounds like lots of FUN until you realize you have to run it after copious amounts of wine while watching fireworks.

** A possible mosquito sighting inside your house is NEVER a good thing.

** Why pay a masseuse when you can bribe your kids to do it for practically free?

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Mother Nature seems to have Chicago and San Francisco confused.

** Every time I go to CVS, the receipt is longer than the Great Wall of China.

** Some of us just aren’t cut out for high heels.  (Like me, for example.)

** Grown men apparently still bite each other.  Who knew?!

** Showering just seems like sooooooooooooo much work.

** Putting your money where your mouth is, is not a good idea.  Cause money is REALLY dirty.

** People who rarely smile scare me.

** You pretty much suck if you don’t tell someone when there’s a giant piece of crap stuck in his or her teeth.

** There’s at least a handful of jackasses in every crowd.

** My liver could really use a vacation.

** In my next life, I’m coming back as Betty White.

** I believe that we will win!!!!!!

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Cooking would be so much more enjoyable if someone did it for me.

** No matter the question, duct tape is ALWAYS the answer.

** I’m apparently a “lame” fort builder.

** There are so many hot World Cup soccer players and so little time to drool over them.

** Sitting down for more than two seconds is evidently a crime.

** I’m a mom, after all.

** If you eat a giant cupcake with your eyes closed, the calories are all erased.  (Right?  RIGHT???!!!)

** I wouldn’t recognize a dull moment if it came up and punched me in the face.

** Gloomy skies and laziness clearly go hand in hand.

** There’s always gotta be that one kid who’s the MASTER of stopping up your damn toilet.

** Steamed brussel sprouts smell like steamed ass.

** Just because you tell your kids something 9,999 times does not mean that they’ll listen.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** It takes a village.  To raise a husband.

** The world is way too incredibly full of itself.

** Surprisingly, it’s been 20 years since OJ got away with murder.

** The ONLY thing that should make a duck face is a duck.

** There truly is a sucker born every single minute.

** My kids are never gonna go to bed this summer.

** It’s gonna be a LONG summer.

** Caterpillar poop is apparently called “frass“, which sounds so much fancier than “shit“.

** Potting soil in your sports bra is a whole lotta itchy.

** I could win an award for spending entirely too much time (and money) in Target.

** As always, sleep needs to be WAY higher on my to-do list.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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End of the School Year Madness

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Maybe it’s just me, but the end of the school year always seems to bring with it a boatload of unwanted stress.  Finding a “place” for all the papers that are sent home, trying not to drown in the flood of never-ending emails, buying the gazillion and one thank you gifts — IT NEVER EVER ENDS!  Really, it’s enough to send a sane woman on the first bus to Crazyville.

Honestly, I’m about to just put a giant dumpster in the front yard for all the crap that my kids are bringing home every day.  That way, they can go ahead and “file” their collection of projects on the way in the door.  I mean, call me a sourpuss, but I really don’t need to save every single painting and every single diorama that was created over the last ten months.

And if that’s not a challenge in and of itself, there’s the continuous inflow of emails that are impossible to keep up with.  Hell if I know what committee I’ve signed up for or what carpool I’m supposed to drive!  So if you’re expecting me to bring juice boxes to the class party or to pick up your kid, please forgive me because those instructions are likely buried in my inbox.

Then there’s the crazy-long list of teachers that my twins have decided they want to thank.  And apparently, a handwritten card is not good enough — they want me to go pluck more cash off the imaginary money tree in the back yard to purchase personal gifts for each and every one of them.  Cause you know every teacher is just DYING to get yet another coffee mug.

And, naturally, my children are way too busy bouncing off the walls with summer anticipation to even notice that their mama is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.  But, really, that’s they way it’s supposed to be, right?  And I totally get it — I was a kid, too, back in the olden days of yonder.  After all, as Alice Cooper once said, “The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school.

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** The end-of-the-school-year craziness must surely subtract five years off a mom’s life.

** I am sooooooooo done with the packing of the lunches.

** Stressed-out is not one of my finer looks.

** Gossip spreads WAY faster than actual news.

** If you put all your eggs in one basket, you’re gonna have one heavy freaking basket.

** Jay Z takes bad grammar to a whole other level.

** The mosquitos around here are like vampires.

** Life is just better at the beach.

** Playing Mario Kart with my son is seriously going to give me carpal tunnel.

** Unripe avocados really piss me off.

** Some people mistake the kiss-hello as an invitation to make out with your face.

** Reading Harry Potter aloud after a couple of glasses of wine is a true tongue-twisting challenge.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Onions are NOT my friend.

** Every time I see a Smart Car, I can’t help but giggle.

** Being in three different places at one time is, unfortunately, at the top of my to-do list.

** Cloning myself seems like a pretty freaking awesome idea.

** Drastic times call for drastic measures — of wine.

** Homework is dead to me at this point in the school year.

** #TBT has gotten totally #OOC.

** I’m sorry, but not everyone deserves a trophy.

** If you leave a Rice Krispie Treat unattended, it WILL get eaten.

** Martha Stewart would have a hay day with my house’s current state of disarray.

** Watching the National Spelling Bee makes me realize just how many words I could never ever use in a sentence.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** If you take up two parking spaces, you shouldn’t be surprised when you’re door-dinged.

** Putting my husband in charge of homework supervision is like putting my kids in charge of homework supervision.

** Some people really don’t understand the importance of getting to the damn point.

** V Stiviano is nuttier than squirrel poop.

** If it looks like a prostitute and acts like a prostitute, it’s most likely a prostitute.

** Making dinner reservations for 40 people is like orchestrating a battle.

** I thoroughly enjoy having my kids do my dirty work.

** Sometimes the best memories are the ones that were spontaneously made (and no, that’s not a sexual reference, perverts!)

** Showering is, sadly, at the bottom of my to-do list these days.

** I’m already beyond sick of Kim and Kanye’s wedding, and it hasn’t even happened yet.

** An itchy head makes me immediately think of lice.

** The lazy, hazy days of summer cannot get here fast enough.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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