Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** My house is a revolving door of loud, screeching short people.  (And I kind of love it.)

** Wearing a dress AND a bra all in one day is quite an accomplishment.

** Apparently, finding a random object like a screwdriver in the fridge doesn’t even begin to faze me.

** Standardized test scores should seriously come with a human translator.

** It would be awesome if my personal chef, butler, and masseuse weren’t make-believe.

** The inevitable slow-moving line at the CVS Pharmacy sucks the fun right out of me.

** Proper grammar is missing from entirely too many people’s lives.

** My kids wrote the book on “Ten Million Ways to Get out of Going to Bed“.

** The squirrels in our alley are on a mission to completely destroy our trash cans.

** I am on a mission to completely destroy the squirrels in our alley.

** Surely, either the piles of homework or the piles of laundry will be the death of me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** “Take a nap” keeps getting bumped off my to-do list for some reason.

** My family is an all-you-can-eat buffet for the multiplying mosquitoes in our neighborhood.

** If my kids had horns (and I’m not quite sure that they don’t), they would literally be bulls in a china shop.

** The “loungewear chic” trend for fall is perfect for the lazy slob in me.

** Homework and meltdowns go hand in hand, for kids AND for parents.

** After packing lunches every single flipping day, Saturday and Sunday really need to be Make Your Own Damn Lunch Day.

** Unfortunately, I will never have the moves like Jagger.

** Kids always wait to tell you they’ve outgrown their shoes until a toe’s about to peekaboo its way through.

** Somebody needs to design a clothing line for tween girls that falls somewhere in between babyish and hookerish.

** My kids act like it’s been 50 years since their last meal whenever they get home from school.

** America is seriously over-obsessed with booties.

** Colder temps may be ready for me, but I am soooooo not ready for colder temps.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** A three-day weekend is directly followed by an entire week of not knowing what the hell day it is.

** The shortest weeks often seem like the longest.

** Jimmy Hoffa may very well be hiding in my out-of-control pantry.

** It’s apparently important to remember to turn off the sprinkler system when your kid decides to camp out in the backyard.

** Just when you think things are running along smoothly, someone goes and poops on your parade.

** All the shark attacks in the news do nothing to ease my fear of Jaws lurking somewhere in the near distance.

** Surely the number of questions I have to answer on a daily basis is directly related to the number of brain cells I seem to be losing.

** Every time someone “replies all” to a group email, an angel loses its wings.

** My children would rather just drip dry than change a damn toilet paper roll.

** Homophones can create unnecessary panic.

** Betty White is most certainly alive and kicking, bless her awesome, funny soul.

** I wish I had even a fraction of the energy that my alter-ego seems to have.

** Homework assignments should be for kids, NOT for parents.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** The first day of school is a blessing like no other.

** Homework’s about to unleash its evil wrath upon us very, very soon.

** I’d be much better equipped to run this three-ring circus if I had a whip.

** Brad and Angelina finally got married.  And I still don’t care.

** Some people take crazy and multiply it by a BAZILLION.

** Providing a place to eat is about the last purpose served by our kitchen table.

** My thinking cap has been knocked off my head.  Permanently, I’m afraid.

** It’s a sad, sad day when your children’s social calendars are busier than yours.

** If it’s important, it’s likely buried way down deep in my inbox.

** Some of us take our 9 year olds to play miniature golf, while others take them to the gun range to shoot uzis.  Who knew?

** Trading places with the dog often sounds like a GREAT idea.  Except for the part about pooping in the backyard.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I’ve seen no less than 14,789 people dump ice over their heads throughout the past few days.

** Being the adult is often times way harder than being the kid.

** It may very well STILL be forgotten even if it’s written down.

** 99% of the shows on Cartoon Network were clearly written by people with the “munchies“.

** My patience seems to have run off with my sanity.

** Contrary to my children’s beliefs, I cannot produce food and beverages out of thin air.

** Starbucks peach green tea lemonade had me at hello.

** Why there’s a “g” at the beginning of the word “gnat” is truly beyond me.

** You know you’re in trouble when your daughter wants a pet pig.

** Yep, I still heart Jake Ryan after all these years.  (*swoon*)

** Unfortunately for some of us, stupidity is NOT an accessory.

** Somewhere there’s a tub of Calgon waiting to take me away.  I just know it.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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The Banana Boat Ride

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As a parent, I’ve often found myself doing things that I wouldn’t dream of doing on my own free will —  cleaning poop off a wall, catching puke with my bare hands, dining at a germ-infested Chuck E. Cheese.  But the hellacious thing I got roped into doing last week on vacation?  Well, that should earn me fabulous Mother’s Day gifts for the rest of eternity.

So we were down in Florida visiting my mother-in-law (AKA “Mammaw“) at the beach. Much to my dismay, my daredevil son became obsessed with the idea of riding on a banana boat.  If you don’t know what that is, just picture this giant floatable contraption being pulled along at crazy speeds behind a jet ski:

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After two days of listening to my boy’s begging and pleading, we finally caved and agreed to all take a walk on the wild side, Mammaw included.  We truly had no idea what we were signing up for, or, believe me, we would’ve said HELL TO THE NO.  Everyone’s main objective was just to NOT be thrown off the boat.

In order to ride this crazy contraption, one must straddle the “banana” part of the raft, a task that proved damn near impossible for poor Mammaw.  It truly took everything in her power just to board the freaking thing.  But bless her heart, she was bound and determined to get herself situated.  We got her positioned, and at last, we were all ready to make our maiden voyage.

Unfortunately, though, we were all clueless as to just how difficult it would be to actually hold onto this fishtailing beast.  I lost count of how many times I came close to flipping overboard, and Mammaw ended up having to move into the middle of the raft after practically being lost to the Gulf of Mexico.  Our oblivious driver was clearly ignoring our pleas for mercy.

And then there was the unbelievable amount of salt water that was being spewed upon our faces and up areas that you’d probably I rather not even mention.  It felt like I had a permanent wedgie as I tried with all my might not to drop f-bombs left and right.  None of us knew whether we should be laughing or crying.

By the time we came to a stop and our driver assured us that the ride was, in fact, over, the only person who was still smiling was my daredevil son.  The rest of us looked like we’d been through HELL and back.  And when Driver Dave asked us to be sure and “like” his Facebook page, I couldn’t help myself in cackling out loud in his face.  Because the ONLY thing I “liked“ about it was the fact that it was OVER!  Seriously, the things we do for our kids…..

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Sometimes when I look at my Facebook feed, it seems that half the people have up and joined a damn cult.

** Arriving by boat is pretty freaking awesome.

** It’s exhausting being the 24 hour entertainment director.

** I love every single second of those five minutes when my house is clean.

** My daughter has inherited my expensive taste in shoes.  Yikes.

** We should all be dancing a lot more.

** New hair products make a girl downright giddy.

** A special place in hell is awaiting people who are cruel to animals.

** And it’s right next to the idiots who are too lazy to return their shopping carts.

** There should be a legal limit to how many questions one person should have to answer in a given stretch of time.

** Pleasing people is apparently not my thing this week.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >> 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I’m being stalked by a grasshopper.

** Amusement parks are where manners go to die and germs go to thrive.

** Sleeping with the windows open is awesome.  Unless your neighbor’s dog sounds like a dying coyote.

** ”Not Dishwasher Safe” is apparently a warning rather than a suggestion.

** Carrying on a deep conversation while having a bikini wax is quite the challenge.

** I totally think I need a Roomba.

** There’s a reason why cheap dog poop bags are so cheap.

** If I didn’t go to the grocery store EVERY FLIPPING DAY, the cashiers would start to look for me.

** The hospital is no place for healthy people.

** When your kids throw out the “I’m bored” card, it’s time to play the “Let’s clean toilets” card.

** I enjoy talking to myself cause I’m the only one who seems to listen to me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Crazy Aaron Can Suck It

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I’ve always been of the opinion that Play-Doh, Silly Putty, and all things gooey should be “outside” toys.  They just always seem to crumble into little bits all over the floor for someone’s feet to drag throughout the entire damn house.  And this is EXACTLY why I should have known better than to allow my children to bring Crazy Aaron’s stupid Thinking Putty into a room full of upholstered furniture.

Back in the spring, this stuff was seriously all the rage at our middle school.  It came in all different styles — magnetic, hypercolor, glow in the dark, and God knows what other kinds of accidents waiting to happen.  My daughter absolutely HAD to collect as many tins of the putty as her cash stockpile would possibly allow her.  And she SWORE to me that she would never ever play with it while sitting on any of the furniture.  And I believed her.  (Yes, I realize now how insanely MORONIC that was of me.)

So a few weeks ago, I honestly thought the fad was over because I hadn’t seen the likes of Crazy Aaron or any of his stupid putty in months.  That is, until I tried to fluff the sofa cushions in the family room.  And that’s when I found this:

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You may or may not notice the lovely blue stain of MOTHER FREAKING GUNK that now adorns our family room sofa.  Cute, huh?  And that is what it looks like after HOURS of trying to scrape it off the fabric.  Needless to say, Crazy Aaron and all of his blood-sucking putty are now residing in the trash.  He is not welcome here.  Ever.  Ever.  Again.

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** A backyard campout for the kids is so much more fun when it’s in someone else’s backyard.

** Facebook should really be called “Bragbook“.

** If looks could kill, then the REALLY loud lady on her cell phone at my nail salon would be dead.

** An entire century seems to pass during a little league baseball game.

** The same could be said about the drying time of a wet sleeping bag (sheesh!)

** My flip flops can’t take all the premature back to school ads.

** I’m a seriously sucky marshmallow roaster.

** Everything is better at the beach (except having to go to the bathroom).

** If your first name is Moscow, and your last name is Mule, I’m totally digging you this summer.

** Technology has apparently de-friended me.

** Saying hello is so much easier than saying goodbye.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >> 

 

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