Happy Birthday to Me

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Cue the red carpet, marching band, and fireworks, y’all, cause today is my birthday! Yippee!  But let’s be real here, people — I’m a mom, and we all know what that means. I’ll be schlepping screaming kids from Point A to Point B, scrubbing skid marks out of little undies, and turning to my friend Google to help with the God-foresaken homework help at the end of the night.  In other words, it will likely be just another day.  However, I wouldn’t have it any other way — boogers, temper tantrums, projectile puke and all!

You see, a few decades ago (we don’t need to disclose my EXACT age now, do we?), I got the very best gift in the whole wide world just days after my birthday.  Yep, my twins were born exactly three days after my big day.  I was bound and determined not to give birth on April 16 and have three birthdays to celebrate in one day, so I actually walked around with my legs crossed that day, trying my damnedest not to sneeze.

For some crazy reason, I thought that if we all three shared a birthday, the significance of my arrival into this world would be all but forgotten.  I honestly thought that I would have something to myself — ha!  Clearly, I didn’t realize that I would be sharing EVERY single aspect of EVERY single thing I did with my precious offspring for the next eighteen years.  Gone were the days of peeing or showering without an audience.

Consequently, I’ve pretty much spent my last eleven birthdays planning big to-do’s for someone other than me.  But truth be told, I kinda dig it.  Nothing makes me happier than celebrating the two greatest presents I’ve ever received.  So even if I have to spend my evening tonight scraping peanut butter off the walls and airing out putrid-smelling shin guards, I’ll do it with a grateful smile on my face (and an EXTRA LARGE glass of wine in my hand).

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Jet lag is not really the vacation souvenir I had in mind.

** Even the eyes in the back of my head have bags underneath them.

** Just because there’s a bandwagon does not mean you have to jump on it.

** Remembering the 5,000 usernames and passwords I’ve created is damn near impossible.

** Oscar Pistorius is about as believable as OJ Simpson.

** My name should be changed to “Keeper of Everyone’s Crap“.

** Taking a quick nap in the parking lot is sounding like a better and better idea.

** If your toenails are longer than your fingernails, I don’t think we can be friends.

** It’s REALLY hard to think when your brain cells have all left the building.

** Happiness is watching a dog chase his own tail.

** I actually like the heat but would still prefer to stay out of the kitchen.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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They Don’t Call It the Red Eye for Nothin’

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If your husband tries to talk you into flying the red-eye with your kids at the end of a family vacation, don’t fall for it.  He may try to reassure you that your kids will sleep on the plane, and all will be fine.  But trust me, it will be anything but fine.  And the only person who will be sleeping on the plane will be your husband.

Yep, I’m the dummy that agreed to an overnight flight on our return from spring break. And because we didn’t have the luxury of sitting up in first class, we were stuck in the back like sardines.  (Seriously, could they cram those seats any closer together??!!)  The kids both naturally wanted to sit with me, so we sat all three in a row, while my husband sat across the aisle on his own.  (Anybody else smell bullshit here?)

After we’d been in the air for quite some time, I tried really hard to get my little squirmers to close their eyes and get some rest.  However, neither one could get anywhere close to comfortable, as they whined and complained and kicked each other in the process.  I’m sure the older couple in front of us were just thrilled with all the commotion.

When I finally got them calmed down enough to lay their heads in my lap and doze off, I was sweating bullets and needed to pee something fierce.  Unfortunately, though, I was stuck.  I wasn’t about to undo what I’d just worked so hard to do.  There was really no choice but for me to sit there in pain and practice my Kegels.

And wouldn’t you know that when I looked over to my husband for some sympathy, he was snoozing like a baby with his mouth wide open and a fresh drip of drool on his chin??!!  I wanted to take off my shoe and throw it at his peaceful-looking face.  But I was trapped, so I couldn’t.  Why is it that men can fall asleep through any and all catastrophes??!!

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The Grocery Store: Gathering Place for Jackholes

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Going to the grocery store is definitely not my idea of a good time.  Sure it’s nice when your kids are FINALLY old enough that you don’t have to drag them with you every time you need to run out for a loaf of bread.  A few minutes of alone time can do wonders for the sanity.  However, a quick trip to the store can very easily turn the happiest of people into total scrooges.  Because let’s face it, no matter what time of the day or night you happen to go, you’re destined to run into some a-hole who’s completely clueless to the world going on around him.

It never fails that when I’m in a serious hurry (which is unfortunately most of the time), I always seem to end up in the aisle where Mr. and Mrs. Turtle are taking their sweet old time trying to decide which product they may or may not want to buy.  Their cart is parked smack dab in the middle of the walkway (naturally), and they don’t seem to have the slightest concern that not even the skinniest of bodies could squeeze around them. Their human barricade leaves me no choice but to back up and WALK ALL THE WAY AROUND THE STORE TO ENTER THE AISLE FROM THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  Which is not at all annoying or anything.

Then, when I am finally able to race over to the checkout lanes, I inevitably end up in the one where somebody needs a price check that sends the poor cashier away for what seems like ALL OF ETERNITY.  Meanwhile, I’m left standing there juggling all my items which are about to break my arms, since the person ahead of me never thought to put up the divider on the conveyor belt.  And sure enough, this problematic shopper then ends up paying by check, which takes her approximately FIFTEEN YEARS to fill out.

All this “fun” is typically capped off by the lazy bones who couldn’t possibly walk five measly feet to the cart return and, instead, abandons his cart DIRECTLY BEHIND MY PARKING SPACE.  But the REAL icing on the cake is when a strong wind then blows said cart RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF MY CAR.  And that’s when I march right back into the store, buy another bottle of much-needed vino, and question why the heck I don’t use a grocery delivery service….

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Winter is officially “over” — and I’ll believe it when I see it.

** The Tooth Fairy’s gonna have to start leaving IOU’s if my twins don’t go to bed earlier at night.

** Just because you have a horn does not mean that you always have to toot it.

** There should be a treadmill right outside the dressing room at the start of swimsuit season.

** Bribing your kids do the household chores you hate to do is one of the perks of being a parent.

** It’s pretty sad when 45 degrees feels downright balmy outside.

** There apparently aren’t enough snacks in all the world to satisfy my children’s ravenous after school appetites.

** I think I might be nocturnal.

** After some of the tales I’ve heard lately, karma has certainly got its work cut out for it.

** I wish my kids spent as much time organizing their rooms as they do organizing the apps on their phones.

** An extra long red light does not mean that the car next to you wants to see you pluck out your nose hairs.

** You know you’re doing SOMETHING right if your dog winks at you.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Goatdog and the Pizza Guy Incident

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Most of you know by now that our Goatdog is one crazy son of a bitch (literally — cause, you know, he’s a DOG).  He’s body-slammed himself through a glass door, eaten my kitchen chairs, and taken a giant dump right in the middle of a dinner party.  And he absolutely loses his mind if a strange man is on our front porch (i.e. the UPS man, etc.). But surprisingly, I still love him to pieces for some strange reason.  I mean, just look at that face!!!!  The guy is certainly not short on personality, that’s for sure.  And, just like “the incident” this past weekend, he never fails to give me new writing material.

So it was Saturday night, and I’d ordered pizza for the kids and their buddies since my husband and I were going out for dinner.  Our house was a regular three-ring circus with us trying to get out the door in time for our reservation once the sitter arrived. Somehow, I’d managed to bribe my son and his friend into walking the dog around the block so that I could wait for the pizza.

The boys were just rounding the corner as I was paying the pizza guy, and that’s when Goatdog went BONKERS at the sight of this stranger on our front porch.  He started barking his head off and dragging my poor son through the snow-covered yards as he desperately tried to pull back on the leash.  The maniac dog, however, was on a mission, making a beeline straight for the pizza dude.  I screamed in horror as the dumb ass went right up to the man and bit him on the hand.  TWICE!!!

Luckily, it was more of a teeth poke than an actual bite, and no skin was broken and no blood drawn (thank you, sweet baby Jesus). Like a Corleone, he was just trying to send a message.  But it was still nothing short of MORTIFYING!  The pizza guy wasn’t even half as freaked out as I was about the situation and, dare I say, even eerily calm.  I apologized up and down and all around as he slowly made his way back to his car, while thinking to myself that we would surely be slapped with a lawsuit of some kind or another.  So far, we seem to be in the clear, but I can’t help but think I probably should’ve tipped the guy more….

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Parting your hair on the opposite side feels like wearing your shoes on the opposite feet.

** Siri evidently hates me.

** When your boy/girl twins share a bathroom, your son may very well end up taking a bath in scented sparkles.

** Dottie Sandusky is about as trustworthy as Goatdog is with a plate of bacon on the counter.

** You know you’re either older or wiser when you wanna go to bed before your kids.

** Going out to lunch reminds me how much I hate to make lunch for myself.

** The coat closet in our foyer stores just about everything BUT coats.

** Automated phone systems are a true test of the ol’ attention span.

** I might start pulling out my own teeth so that the Tooth Fairy visits ME for a change.

** An airplane can apparently just disappear into thin air, which totally restores my faith in flying.

** The mirrors in department store dressing rooms are clearly from the funhouse.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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The Perks of Being a Mom

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It’s no secret that parenting is hands-down one of THE hardest jobs on the planet.  There are days when you love it and days when you want to turn in your notice and walk right out the door.  The pay is nonexistent, the hours are long, and the boss is often a pain in the ass.  However, the benefits make it really, really hard to leave.  Cause where else are you gonna get a performance review made out of sticky hugs and kisses?

Yes, I’ve been reminded just how lucky I am in this stay-at-home profession of mine a lot lately.  You see, I’ve had a TERRIBLE string of insomnia the past few weeks that’s made me feel like a character from “The Walking Dead“.  Let me tell ya, sleepless nights can zap the sexy right out of a person.  Just ask the bags and dark circles under my eyes, and they’ll attest.  I’ve often shuddered at the scary image staring back at me in the mirror. But to my son?  I am still the “beautiful mama” (his words, not mine) that he’s always seen and loved.  Honestly, I could have a rat’s nest in my hair and a chin full of zits, and he will still tell me that he thinks I’m pretty.  I mean, how great of a job perk is that??!!

And my daughter, bless her heart, still prefers ME, even when my patience has left the building and Mean Mommy’s clocked in for her shift.  Just last night my husband FINALLY returned home from his crazy-long business trip and was ready and willing to take over the job of homework supervisor.  You would think that fresh meat would be a much welcome change around here.  Yet, nothing would do but I be the one to help our girl with her math sheet.  What can I say?  She just kinda digs me!

So on those days that I consider just throwing in the towel, I need only to remind myself that I’ve got two very important little people to whom I’m accountable.  In their eyes, I am doing a GREAT job even when I feel like I’m doing a lousy one.  And though that does make it the most difficult job there is, it also makes it the very best job there is.

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I’m not good at getting lucky.

** Child labor is more expensive than it used to be.

** A little piece of me dies every time people “REPLY ALL” to a group email.

** I could buy my kids 10,000 pairs of gloves at the start of winter, and they will manage to lose all but half a pair by spring.

** There’s more trash in my purse than there is in the wastebasket.

** It sure would be nice to be one of those people who seem to do nothing but vacation.

** Magazines with multiple perfume samples should be illegal.  Cause, gag.

** Sadly, manners seem to be in danger of extinction anymore.

** A day without having to drive a carpool is like a day at the spa.  (Well, not really, but it certainly is nice.)

** TMI is when your kid comes home from school and tells you who puked what in the hallway at school.

** I should really stop buying dog biscuits since Goatdog apparently prefers Nerf bullets.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

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I honestly don’t know where the time has gone, but apparently, I blinked, and my kids are old enough to have the “sex talk” in school.  I know — crazy, right??!!!!  Yep, the wonder of the ol’ reproductive system has currently been the hot topic of fifth grade science class.  And my boy/girl twins could not be handling it more differently.

Now, my son is pretty much an open book on the subject.  He’s more than happy to share each and every little detail he’s soaked up, even in a crowded public scenario.  For example, recently, while at my daughter’s soccer practice, he quite loudly revealed that, “the penis has to be straight in order to make a baby“.  Why, yes, son, yes, it does.

My daughter, on the other hand, is not so open and willing to talk about the birds and the bees.  I haven’t figured out if it’s because she’s too embarrassed or if it’s because she thinks she already knows it all.  Whatever the case, she quickly changes the subject each and every time it’s broached.

In fact, just the other night when she tried to pull her usual “I can’t go to sleep” trick, my husband invited her over to the couch to tell us what types of questions she might have about sex and the things she’s learning in science.  He figured it would either get her talking or get her back into bed.  And wouldn’t you know that she marched right back up the stairs and into bed without even one little complaint!

Now granted, as a young girl, I, too, would have been MORTIFIED to talk to my dad about penises and vaginas.  Hell, I still have trouble talking about them with him! However, I’m hoping that, with time, my girl will start to open up more to me about any questions that she has.  Cause Lord knows I’d rather my kids get the answers from me than from the Big, Bad Internet…..

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