Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_9943686_htdnqkvr2h.jpg

** Finding evidence of sleep around here is like finding a dinosaur bone.

** If you know whether you’re coming or going, you’re a lot better off than me.

** My warm climate-dwelling friends may find me knocking on their doors for a very LONG visit soon.

** Apparently, Bill Cosby is yet another member of the ever-growing douchebag population.

** Cleaning up overflowing toilets is NOT what I signed up to do.

** The holiday season seems to bring out the inner asshole in all of us.

** Finding out your bedroom door does not actually lock anymore can be rather humiliating for a parent.

** My eyes really shouldn’t be trusted with nighttime driving responsibilities.

** I don’t care how amazing her voice is — a nun singing “Like a Virgin“ is just freaking creepy.

** A rock would be able to reiterate the things I say better than my family on most days.

** It’s super fun when your kids lose their crap and blame YOU for “misplacing” it.

** If there were a job that required people to do nothing but bitch, a crazy long line of applicants would be ready to clock in.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_34629645_pfshpzv762.jpg

** I’m not sure what’s disappearing faster around here — my money or our iPhone chargers.

** When one of your son’s best friends has pink eye, YOUR eyes immediately start to itch like a mofo.

** The stupidity of the human population never ceases to amaze/entertain me.

** There most definitely ARE stupid questions, and it’s usually stupid people asking them.

** The weather may be beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but nothing else is.

** If you’re not pissing SOMEONE off, you aren’t doing it right.

** I apparently have no shame when it comes to pumpkin bread.

** When seeking advice for embarrassing situations, it’s best to say you’re inquiring “for a friend.”

** Surprisingly, not everybody wants to hear about how many more miles you ran or how many more calories you burned than them.

** The timing of Movember and parent/teacher conferences is rather unfortunate for my porn star-looking husband in making a good first impression.

** When the inside of your nose feels like sandpaper, it’s time to bust out the ol’ humidifier.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

l4qUWSC88YWvfZc

** The end of Daylight Savings Time is awesome — if you’re a vampire.

** Election Day apparently means no school.  Who knew??!!

** Annoying political ads have now been replaced with annoying holiday ads.  Lucky us.

** Someone has really pissed off the ghosts in our house lately.

** You know it’s gonna be a helluva day when you hand your daughter a fork for her cereal.

** Old Man Winter needs to tap the damn brakes.

** Between the Halloween candy and me, one of us has GOT to go.

** If you have an entire conversation with someone without mentioning the giant hunk of food on her face, you are, no doubt, a jackhole.

** It’s a sad, sad day when you realize that you’ve completely forgotten how to nap.

** Karma’s to-do list is even longer than mine.

** If Google can’t even help you with your kids’ homework, you are SOL.

** This entire household would be naked and starving if not for me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things I’ve Learned This Week

BlfgGZceSkMfPBz

** This time of the year makes me so very grateful for my beloved hot glue gun.

** I may steal the dog crate from the dog — it just looks so darn PRIVATE in there.

** Judging by his wardrobe choices, I’m pretty sure my son is colorblind.

** Kids are so sweet about coughing their germs all over your freaking face.

** If you can remember if you brushed your teeth & put on deodorant today, you’re a better person than me.

** Sometimes it’s best to not to make eye contact.  Especially at the grocery store.  And especially if you can’t remember if you brushed your teeth or put on deodorant.

** Brown paint under your fingernails looks like poop.  You’re welcome.

** Not a day goes by where I don’t find an empty container in the pantry.

** So many of my best jokes are lost on my children.

** The purpose of mathematical word problems is clearly to make you feel like an idiot.

** Some people really need to stop being so damn fabulous.

** My superpowers have left the building.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_39423369_5b2qyrs8p9.jpg

** I’m not sure what scares me more — Ebola or the thought of having to use the toilet in my kids’ bathroom.

** The best hair days always happen when you have absolutely NOWHERE to go.

** Canker sores are the root of all evil.

** My memory and my eyesight are having a race to see who’s deteriorating the fastest.

** I often feel about as appreciated around my house as a winter coat on a hot summer day.

** Asparagus never lets you forget that it was a part of your meal.

** I’d like to shake my former pre-kids, well-rested self and tell her to enjoy it while it lasted.

** It really sucks to discover that something as awesome as “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” is just starting at 10 PM on a school night.

** Jackass parent + jackass parent = jackass kid.

** Mock turtlenecks should really be outlawed.

** Buying candy two weeks before Halloween means that you’ll likely have no candy left by the time it’s finally Halloween.

** Despite what I might think, God doesn’t give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_71921179_n9h8dpxs2v.jpg

** I am totally addicted to selling crap on virtual garage sale sites.

** Finding a CLEAN gas station bathroom is like finding a unicorn.

** Carpool duty should be immediately followed by wine.

** Eating with a jock cup on the table is, unfortunately, a regular occurrence in our house.

** It’s time to get cracking on Halloween costumes since my son insists on being a waffle this year.

** My son wants to be a WAFFLE for Halloween.  WTF?!

** I have no doubt that my husband would fail sixth grade spelling.  (Sorry, honey, but you would.)

** If it’s true that eating blueberries helps to improve your memory, I need to eat a whole damn farm.

** Poor Goatdog would starve if not for me.

** I’m constantly washing socks that don’t belong to any of my family members.

** A week is never longer than when you constantly think it’s a day ahead of what it actually is.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

 

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things I’ve Learned This Week

1IjSSNgGRUcZKf9

** My mind thinks I’m 21, but my body, not so much.

** There’s no such thing as tiptoeing back into reality after vacation.

** George Clooney apparently got tired of waiting for me.

** The sink in my kids’ bathroom looks like a damn science experiment.

** Sixth grade math makes me question my morals.

** If it doesn’t look edible, it’s probably not.

** I’m never quite as popular as I am when I sit down on the toilet.

** Some people should NEVER operate heavy machinery.  Drunk OR sober.

** I can’t create a proper french braid to save my freaking life.

** Laughing your face off should be a daily requirement.

** Political ads are about as believable as a used car salesman.

** Being sick is a serious inconvenience.  Especially when you’re a mom.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >> 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_43578934_gczr85yvrj.jpg

** My house is a revolving door of loud, screeching short people.  (And I kind of love it.)

** Wearing a dress AND a bra all in one day is quite an accomplishment.

** Apparently, finding a random object like a screwdriver in the fridge doesn’t even begin to faze me.

** Standardized test scores should seriously come with a human translator.

** It would be awesome if my personal chef, butler, and masseuse weren’t make-believe.

** The inevitable slow-moving line at the CVS Pharmacy sucks the fun right out of me.

** Proper grammar is missing from entirely too many people’s lives.

** My kids wrote the book on “Ten Million Ways to Get out of Going to Bed“.

** The squirrels in our alley are on a mission to completely destroy our trash cans.

** I am on a mission to completely destroy the squirrels in our alley.

** Surely, either the piles of homework or the piles of laundry will be the death of me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

7VAFNWHJCzTzsKg

** “Take a nap” keeps getting bumped off my to-do list for some reason.

** My family is an all-you-can-eat buffet for the multiplying mosquitoes in our neighborhood.

** If my kids had horns (and I’m not quite sure that they don’t), they would literally be bulls in a china shop.

** The “loungewear chic” trend for fall is perfect for the lazy slob in me.

** Homework and meltdowns go hand in hand, for kids AND for parents.

** After packing lunches every single flipping day, Saturday and Sunday really need to be Make Your Own Damn Lunch Day.

** Unfortunately, I will never have the moves like Jagger.

** Kids always wait to tell you they’ve outgrown their shoes until a toe’s about to peekaboo its way through.

** Somebody needs to design a clothing line for tween girls that falls somewhere in between babyish and hookerish.

** My kids act like it’s been 50 years since their last meal whenever they get home from school.

** America is seriously over-obsessed with booties.

** Colder temps may be ready for me, but I am soooooo not ready for colder temps.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Things I’ve Learned This Week

pvjVA9bLj32tet1

** A three-day weekend is directly followed by an entire week of not knowing what the hell day it is.

** The shortest weeks often seem like the longest.

** Jimmy Hoffa may very well be hiding in my out-of-control pantry.

** It’s apparently important to remember to turn off the sprinkler system when your kid decides to camp out in the backyard.

** Just when you think things are running along smoothly, someone goes and poops on your parade.

** All the shark attacks in the news do nothing to ease my fear of Jaws lurking somewhere in the near distance.

** Surely the number of questions I have to answer on a daily basis is directly related to the number of brain cells I seem to be losing.

** Every time someone “replies all” to a group email, an angel loses its wings.

** My children would rather just drip dry than change a damn toilet paper roll.

** Homophones can create unnecessary panic.

** Betty White is most certainly alive and kicking, bless her awesome, funny soul.

** I wish I had even a fraction of the energy that my alter-ego seems to have.

** Homework assignments should be for kids, NOT for parents.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments