Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** This time of the year makes me so very grateful for my beloved hot glue gun.

** I may steal the dog crate from the dog — it just looks so darn PRIVATE in there.

** Judging by his wardrobe choices, I’m pretty sure my son is colorblind.

** Kids are so sweet about coughing their germs all over your freaking face.

** If you can remember if you brushed your teeth & put on deodorant today, you’re a better person than me.

** Sometimes it’s best to not to make eye contact.  Especially at the grocery store.  And especially if you can’t remember if you brushed your teeth or put on deodorant.

** Brown paint under your fingernails looks like poop.  You’re welcome.

** Not a day goes by where I don’t find an empty container in the pantry.

** So many of my best jokes are lost on my children.

** The purpose of mathematical word problems is clearly to make you feel like an idiot.

** Some people really need to stop being so damn fabulous.

** My superpowers have left the building.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I’m not sure what scares me more — Ebola or the thought of having to use the toilet in my kids’ bathroom.

** The best hair days always happen when you have absolutely NOWHERE to go.

** Canker sores are the root of all evil.

** My memory and my eyesight are having a race to see who’s deteriorating the fastest.

** I often feel about as appreciated around my house as a winter coat on a hot summer day.

** Asparagus never lets you forget that it was a part of your meal.

** I’d like to shake my former pre-kids, well-rested self and tell her to enjoy it while it lasted.

** It really sucks to discover that something as awesome as “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” is just starting at 10 PM on a school night.

** Jackass parent + jackass parent = jackass kid.

** Mock turtlenecks should really be outlawed.

** Buying candy two weeks before Halloween means that you’ll likely have no candy left by the time it’s finally Halloween.

** Despite what I might think, God doesn’t give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I am totally addicted to selling crap on virtual garage sale sites.

** Finding a CLEAN gas station bathroom is like finding a unicorn.

** Carpool duty should be immediately followed by wine.

** Eating with a jock cup on the table is, unfortunately, a regular occurrence in our house.

** It’s time to get cracking on Halloween costumes since my son insists on being a waffle this year.

** My son wants to be a WAFFLE for Halloween.  WTF?!

** I have no doubt that my husband would fail sixth grade spelling.  (Sorry, honey, but you would.)

** If it’s true that eating blueberries helps to improve your memory, I need to eat a whole damn farm.

** Poor Goatdog would starve if not for me.

** I’m constantly washing socks that don’t belong to any of my family members.

** A week is never longer than when you constantly think it’s a day ahead of what it actually is.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** My mind thinks I’m 21, but my body, not so much.

** There’s no such thing as tiptoeing back into reality after vacation.

** George Clooney apparently got tired of waiting for me.

** The sink in my kids’ bathroom looks like a damn science experiment.

** Sixth grade math makes me question my morals.

** If it doesn’t look edible, it’s probably not.

** I’m never quite as popular as I am when I sit down on the toilet.

** Some people should NEVER operate heavy machinery.  Drunk OR sober.

** I can’t create a proper french braid to save my freaking life.

** Laughing your face off should be a daily requirement.

** Political ads are about as believable as a used car salesman.

** Being sick is a serious inconvenience.  Especially when you’re a mom.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >> 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** My house is a revolving door of loud, screeching short people.  (And I kind of love it.)

** Wearing a dress AND a bra all in one day is quite an accomplishment.

** Apparently, finding a random object like a screwdriver in the fridge doesn’t even begin to faze me.

** Standardized test scores should seriously come with a human translator.

** It would be awesome if my personal chef, butler, and masseuse weren’t make-believe.

** The inevitable slow-moving line at the CVS Pharmacy sucks the fun right out of me.

** Proper grammar is missing from entirely too many people’s lives.

** My kids wrote the book on “Ten Million Ways to Get out of Going to Bed“.

** The squirrels in our alley are on a mission to completely destroy our trash cans.

** I am on a mission to completely destroy the squirrels in our alley.

** Surely, either the piles of homework or the piles of laundry will be the death of me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** “Take a nap” keeps getting bumped off my to-do list for some reason.

** My family is an all-you-can-eat buffet for the multiplying mosquitoes in our neighborhood.

** If my kids had horns (and I’m not quite sure that they don’t), they would literally be bulls in a china shop.

** The “loungewear chic” trend for fall is perfect for the lazy slob in me.

** Homework and meltdowns go hand in hand, for kids AND for parents.

** After packing lunches every single flipping day, Saturday and Sunday really need to be Make Your Own Damn Lunch Day.

** Unfortunately, I will never have the moves like Jagger.

** Kids always wait to tell you they’ve outgrown their shoes until a toe’s about to peekaboo its way through.

** Somebody needs to design a clothing line for tween girls that falls somewhere in between babyish and hookerish.

** My kids act like it’s been 50 years since their last meal whenever they get home from school.

** America is seriously over-obsessed with booties.

** Colder temps may be ready for me, but I am soooooo not ready for colder temps.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** A three-day weekend is directly followed by an entire week of not knowing what the hell day it is.

** The shortest weeks often seem like the longest.

** Jimmy Hoffa may very well be hiding in my out-of-control pantry.

** It’s apparently important to remember to turn off the sprinkler system when your kid decides to camp out in the backyard.

** Just when you think things are running along smoothly, someone goes and poops on your parade.

** All the shark attacks in the news do nothing to ease my fear of Jaws lurking somewhere in the near distance.

** Surely the number of questions I have to answer on a daily basis is directly related to the number of brain cells I seem to be losing.

** Every time someone “replies all” to a group email, an angel loses its wings.

** My children would rather just drip dry than change a damn toilet paper roll.

** Homophones can create unnecessary panic.

** Betty White is most certainly alive and kicking, bless her awesome, funny soul.

** I wish I had even a fraction of the energy that my alter-ego seems to have.

** Homework assignments should be for kids, NOT for parents.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** The first day of school is a blessing like no other.

** Homework’s about to unleash its evil wrath upon us very, very soon.

** I’d be much better equipped to run this three-ring circus if I had a whip.

** Brad and Angelina finally got married.  And I still don’t care.

** Some people take crazy and multiply it by a BAZILLION.

** Providing a place to eat is about the last purpose served by our kitchen table.

** My thinking cap has been knocked off my head.  Permanently, I’m afraid.

** It’s a sad, sad day when your children’s social calendars are busier than yours.

** If it’s important, it’s likely buried way down deep in my inbox.

** Some of us take our 9 year olds to play miniature golf, while others take them to the gun range to shoot uzis.  Who knew?

** Trading places with the dog often sounds like a GREAT idea.  Except for the part about pooping in the backyard.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I’ve seen no less than 14,789 people dump ice over their heads throughout the past few days.

** Being the adult is often times way harder than being the kid.

** It may very well STILL be forgotten even if it’s written down.

** 99% of the shows on Cartoon Network were clearly written by people with the “munchies“.

** My patience seems to have run off with my sanity.

** Contrary to my children’s beliefs, I cannot produce food and beverages out of thin air.

** Starbucks peach green tea lemonade had me at hello.

** Why there’s a “g” at the beginning of the word “gnat” is truly beyond me.

** You know you’re in trouble when your daughter wants a pet pig.

** Yep, I still heart Jake Ryan after all these years.  (*swoon*)

** Unfortunately for some of us, stupidity is NOT an accessory.

** Somewhere there’s a tub of Calgon waiting to take me away.  I just know it.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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The Banana Boat Ride

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As a parent, I’ve often found myself doing things that I wouldn’t dream of doing on my own free will —  cleaning poop off a wall, catching puke with my bare hands, dining at a germ-infested Chuck E. Cheese.  But the hellacious thing I got roped into doing last week on vacation?  Well, that should earn me fabulous Mother’s Day gifts for the rest of eternity.

So we were down in Florida visiting my mother-in-law (AKA “Mammaw“) at the beach. Much to my dismay, my daredevil son became obsessed with the idea of riding on a banana boat.  If you don’t know what that is, just picture this giant floatable contraption being pulled along at crazy speeds behind a jet ski:

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After two days of listening to my boy’s begging and pleading, we finally caved and agreed to all take a walk on the wild side, Mammaw included.  We truly had no idea what we were signing up for, or, believe me, we would’ve said HELL TO THE NO.  Everyone’s main objective was just to NOT be thrown off the boat.

In order to ride this crazy contraption, one must straddle the “banana” part of the raft, a task that proved damn near impossible for poor Mammaw.  It truly took everything in her power just to board the freaking thing.  But bless her heart, she was bound and determined to get herself situated.  We got her positioned, and at last, we were all ready to make our maiden voyage.

Unfortunately, though, we were all clueless as to just how difficult it would be to actually hold onto this fishtailing beast.  I lost count of how many times I came close to flipping overboard, and Mammaw ended up having to move into the middle of the raft after practically being lost to the Gulf of Mexico.  Our oblivious driver was clearly ignoring our pleas for mercy.

And then there was the unbelievable amount of salt water that was being spewed upon our faces and up areas that you’d probably I rather not even mention.  It felt like I had a permanent wedgie as I tried with all my might not to drop f-bombs left and right.  None of us knew whether we should be laughing or crying.

By the time we came to a stop and our driver assured us that the ride was, in fact, over, the only person who was still smiling was my daredevil son.  The rest of us looked like we’d been through HELL and back.  And when Driver Dave asked us to be sure and “like” his Facebook page, I couldn’t help myself in cackling out loud in his face.  Because the ONLY thing I “liked“ about it was the fact that it was OVER!  Seriously, the things we do for our kids…..

 

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