** I’m not sure what scares me more — Ebola or the thought of having to use the toilet in my kids’ bathroom.
** The best hair days always happen when you have absolutely NOWHERE to go.
** Canker sores are the root of all evil.
** My memory and my eyesight are having a race to see who’s deteriorating the fastest.
** I often feel about as appreciated around my house as a winter coat on a hot summer day.
** Asparagus never lets you forget that it was a part of your meal.
** I’d like to shake my former pre-kids, well-rested self and tell her to enjoy it while it lasted.
** It really sucks to discover that something as awesome as “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” is just starting at 10 PM on a school night.
** Jackass parent + jackass parent = jackass kid.
** Mock turtlenecks should really be outlawed.
** Buying candy two weeks before Halloween means that you’ll likely have no candy left by the time it’s finally Halloween.
** Despite what I might think, God doesn’t give me more than I can handle.
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