The Dreaded Sex Talk

Birds do it.  Bees do it.  And God knows WE sure do it.  But unfortunately for me, it looks like I’m gonna have to talk to my kids about HOW we do it.  (Well, not every little gory detail, of course, but just the textbook highlights.)  Yes, it’s about that time to sit the shorties down and have the dreaded sex talk with ’em.  Cause I’d much rather them hear it from me than from Joe Schmoe whose brother’s been watching porn in his spare time.

So even though I’ve known for quite a while now that it’s high time we break it all down, it became even more apparent to me on our spring break adventure down to Florida a couple of weeks ago.  We were out to dinner with my mother-in-law, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s family when my nine-year-old son announced to the table that he was going to “sext” someone.  You can probably imagine why I choked on my wine and nearly had a heart attack right there on the spot.

Turns out that he didn’t actually know what that word meant (phew!), but rather, he finds the word “sex” to be somewhat funny.  I knew immediately that my husband and I needed to do some serious damage control.  So we took the long car ride home as an opportunity to see just what he and his sister already knew about making babies.

There was a lot of talk about “seeds growing in bellies” and kids “popping out of the mama’s butthole“, which told us that good lord, were we in trouble!  Who had told them all this crap??!!  We did the best we could with straightening out those seriously distorted facts, but we still need to explain the whole bit about the penis going into the vagina thing.

There’s just never really a good time to whip out a topic like that though, is there?  I mean, it’s not really a traditional warm and fuzzy bedtime kind of a story or your typical conversation on the way to soccer practice.  “Now, honey, you have sweet dreams tonight about Daddy’s peter going into Mommy’s va-jay-jay, mmm-kay?”  Uh, I don’t think so!  After all, these ARE my babies, ya know!  It’s so hard for me to swallow the fact that they are ready to know the real deal.  Nevertheless, though, the talk WILL be happening soon. Very soon.  And I’ll most definitely need y’all to hold me afterwards.

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5 Responses to The Dreaded Sex Talk

  1. Alison says:

    Oh god, I dread that day. Mostly because I remember hearing that for the first time very, very vividly. I was 8, and I was riding in the car with a friend and she told me in a very matter-of-fact way and I got really upset and said I didn’t believe her and no way would my parents do that. Then her parents told my parents what happened and I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my parents, who thought I already knew because I was an avid reader, so of course I must have read about it?? Yeah, it’s better to tell the kids rather than have them find out from a friend. But I’m not looking forward to it at all…

  2. Jenny says:

    Let me know when it’s happening and I’ll drop off a couple of mine:)

  3. Jenni says:

    I had the same panic moment a couple weeks ago when my 9 year old son told me he googled sex while he was at his dad’s house.

  4. jdt1583 says:

    Oh my! Mine is about to be 2 and I already dread this talk!

  5. Marta says:

    Oh my, I am not looking forward to that talk. My parents never had it with me and I’m not certain if that was good or bad. We learned the nitty gritty in 5th grade and I think that was enough for me!

    Best of luck!

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