How Patches Lost His Ass

A little over a year ago, I had a momentary lapse in judgment.  Yes, I allowed my daughter to get a pet guinea pig, which was clearly not the smartest decision I ever made, considering that we have a dog who likes to eat EVERYTHING under the sun.  Miraculously, though, the pig and the pooch have somehow managed to co-exist relatively peacefully up until now.  That is….until Goatdog decided to take a bite right outta that harmony the other night.

So we were just about to settle down with a bedtime story after yet another crazy evening here in our household.  My impatient daughter decided not to wait for me to contain the dog before taking Patches, the guinea pig, out of his cage.  She had gotten as far as her bedroom with the pig, but she evidently didn’t get the door to her room closed all the way.  And I guess I stumbled onto the scene just a moment too late.

Apparently, the dog had snapped at the piggy and actually bit off a part of the poor dude’s butt cheek.  Yes, that’s right, his butt cheek.  Tiny clumps of hair and a little chunk of skin (I know, eww!) lay on the floor as the guinea squeaked in sheer and utter horror.  My daughter was in absolute hysterics as I attempted to usher the idiotic dog down the stairs and into his crate.  I prayed to sweet baby Jesus that this would not entail a ridiculously expensive trip to an overpriced animal emergency room.

As I inspected the pig’s injuries, I tried really really hard not to get caught up on the fact that I was examining a GUINEA PIG’S ASSHOLE.  I mean, seriously??!!  Only in my house!  He was slightly bleeding a bit, but he didn’t seem to be in any type of pain, thank God.  The hardest part was trying to get my daughter to calm down.  Between the crying and the sniffling and the wanting to burn Goatdog at the stake, it was a long, exhausting night for all of us.

Thankfully, the guinea pig seems to have survived the whole traumatic ordeal (for now anyway).  He looks a little like a baboon with his red tushy, but he’s alive, nonetheless.  And I even overheard my daughter whispering to the dog that she forgave him for being such a dick (o.k., so she didn’t actually say the word “dick“, but I knew that’s what she meant).  So the moral of this story seems to be not to get on Goatdog’s bad side or else he’ll chew your ass out.

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8 Responses to How Patches Lost His Ass

  1. Kat says:

    I feel bad for the poor guinea pig but, I have to admit, I am laughing. Just picturing poor piggy with a chunk of ass missing and you playing nurse to it seems to tickle my funny bone, lol. We all love our pets but, added to a couple of kids, they do tend to make the home a bit of a circus sometimes. We moms deserve a medal (not to mention a really big paycheque!)

  2. Dolli says:

    Poor piggy…but that picture is one of my favorites! The first time I saw it, I laughed so hard about peed my pants. Yeah I’m lame like that….

  3. cyndy says:

    Dying laughing! At the pic and the story.
    I mean um….poor guinea pig. Ahem. Yeah.

  4. ChiTown Girl says:

    Oh my fucking hell!! Now I have one more reason to NEVER get a guinea pig!!

  5. Holy shite– I think I’m going to pee my pants!! Sorry pig, it’s sucks for you, but this is effing hilarious!!

  6. Soo funy, pls don’t make me peee pls, hahahahaha lol..dats really funny!! Good one..

  7. Carmen says:

    Oh my gosh woman, you are the funniest person I’ve “met” in a long time. Here I am at work after discovering your blog, crying my eyes out after reading about the dog and guinea pig. My co-workers are looking at me like I finally lost my mind and I don’t even care!

    I’m definitely your newest fan.

    • nuckingfutsmama says:

      Yippeeeeeee!!!! I always get giddy when someone new stumbles onto my crazy ramblings! Welcome! Hope you come back for more of my nutty stories! :)

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