Tag Archives: holiday

Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Next year, I really need some elves, dammit. ** My twins now have nicer phones than I do.  Thanks, Santa. ** Candlelight church services with kids make me ten kinds of nervous. ** If you wanna see a parade … Continue reading

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** It’s not a road trip in our family unless it ends with a souvenir bag of puke. ** Thanksgiving without a nap is like Christmas without a Santa. ** You never realize how much you use your ice maker. … Continue reading

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Those sneaky Mayans were totally effing with us all along.  I knew it!!!! ** December is one giant money suck. ** Our Elf on the Shelf would be a lot more welcome here if he wrapped presents and actually … Continue reading

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** All I want for Christmas is a personal chef.  And a bigger bank account to pay for the personal chef. ** Those inflatable lawn Santas look so sad and hungover during the daytime. ** A sick kid at home … Continue reading

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Happy Holidays, A-holes!

Ah, it’s the holiday season — that magical time of the year when you wanna sip hot cocoa by the fire and shove people outta the way for a deal on a flat-screened t.v.  Cause let’s be real, y’all.  December … Continue reading

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** The SNL “Schweddy Balls” skit just never ever gets old. ** I’m still not a fan of LED Christmas lights. ** Candy Cane Chapstick is the bomb dot com.  For real. ** The endless barrage of holiday catalogs being … Continue reading

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** The world would be a lot happier if everyone ate Thanksgiving dinner in their pajamas. ** Chuck E. Cheese is totally a rat, not a mouse — am I right or am I right? ** That stupid Taylor Swift … Continue reading

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

** My kids think Santa can make ANYTHING, which means that I am totally and completely SCREWED. ** “Customer” and “service” are two words that, sadly, don’t belong together anymore. ** Static electricity is a very unfortunate side effect of … Continue reading

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Independence Day PSA

This July 4th, be sure you: 1.  Drink plenty of fluids. 2.  Show your American pride. 3.  Don’t set yourself on fire.  HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY HOLIDAY, Y’ALL!!!!   

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The New Year’s Guinea Pig Attack

The older I get, the more I realize that New Year’s Eve is totally overrated.  I mean, seriously, what’s the point of getting all dolled up to spend a shit-ton of money to fight a bunch of annoying crowds to … Continue reading

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