Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Onions are NOT my friend.

** Every time I see a Smart Car, I can’t help but giggle.

** Being in three different places at one time is, unfortunately, at the top of my to-do list.

** Cloning myself seems like a pretty freaking awesome idea.

** Drastic times call for drastic measures — of wine.

** Homework is dead to me at this point in the school year.

** #TBT has gotten totally #OOC.

** I’m sorry, but not everyone deserves a trophy.

** If you leave a Rice Krispie Treat unattended, it WILL get eaten.

** Martha Stewart would have a hay day with my house’s current state of disarray.

** Watching the National Spelling Bee makes me realize just how many words I could never ever use in a sentence.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** If you take up two parking spaces, you shouldn’t be surprised when you’re door-dinged.

** Putting my husband in charge of homework supervision is like putting my kids in charge of homework supervision.

** Some people really don’t understand the importance of getting to the damn point.

** V Stiviano is nuttier than squirrel poop.

** If it looks like a prostitute and acts like a prostitute, it’s most likely a prostitute.

** Making dinner reservations for 40 people is like orchestrating a battle.

** I thoroughly enjoy having my kids do my dirty work.

** Sometimes the best memories are the ones that were spontaneously made (and no, that’s not a sexual reference, perverts!)

** Showering is, sadly, at the bottom of my to-do list these days.

** I’m already beyond sick of Kim and Kanye’s wedding, and it hasn’t even happened yet.

** An itchy head makes me immediately think of lice.

** The lazy, hazy days of summer cannot get here fast enough.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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When to Fold ‘Em

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Ever have one of those days where every-freaking-thing seems to go wrong?  And no matter what you try to do, it all just turns to crap?  (If you haven’t, then it’s safe to say that I kinda hate you, but I digress….)  Well, yesterday was one of THOSE kind of days, where if I would have looked up, I surely would have found a black cloud looming right over my unlucky head.

It started out relatively uneventful but took a left turn to Sourville rather quickly.  I decided to make the long trek out to Whole Foods to load up on some healthy eats.  As always, it was more crowded than a JT concert, and I had to battle my way to the overflowing lines at the checkout.  And wouldn’t you know that I got ALL THE WAY BACK HOME before I realized that the distracted bagger had forgotten to put one of my items in the damn bags???!!!

Now, I probably would’ve just said, “Screw it!” if it hadn’t been the most expensive item on my shopping list.  But, sure enough, it was, so I drove ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE STORE to claim my forgotten item.  (So we’re clear, Whole Foods is nowhere near my preferred one-mile vicinity from home.)  And right as I was climbing out of my car, I stepped smack dab on top of some a-hole’s half-full cup of coffee that just so happened to be sitting right next to my parking space.  Coffee spewed all over my running shoes and legs, and I may or may not have dropped a REALLY loud f-bomb in the process.  The day was just getting better and better.

My next stop after retrieving my forgotten Whole Foods purchase was the UPS store where I intended to return a large piece of art that I’d ordered online.  The box was more awkwardly shaped than a kid going through puberty, so I was REALLY struggling to even get it out of the back of my car.  I had just about jimmied it out when I accidentally knocked over a bucket of baseballs that my dear-sweet-husband (*snark*) had evidently left back there after the previous night’s Little League game.

Balls went rolling down the street into oncoming traffic and under parked cars, and I may or may not have let out another REALLY loud f-bomb.  I literally scrambled as fast as I could to collect all the balls before inadvertently causing an accident.  Holy hell, there were A LOT of balls!!!

And that’s when I made the executive decision to just stop trying to tackle my stupid to-do list for the day.  Clearly, I was not meant to be out in public, so I went home and parked my ass in the backyard.  Some days ya gotta just know when to fold ‘em…..

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** EVERY day should be Mother’s Day.  Because obviously.

** Donald Sterling makes me feel a whole lot better about the bags under my eyes.

** You know you’re in for a shit storm when your dog eats five squares of Ex-lax.

** I’m totally counting all my recent coughing fits as ab workouts.

** The days of the family dinner are, sadly, more long gone than my memory.

** It’s a bad idea to piss off Beyonce’s sister.  Especially in an elevator.

** “Mommy’s not feeling well” is evidently the equivalent of “Make lots and lots of REALLY loud noise“.

** The fanciest thing I’ve done lately is get an allergy shot.

** Deodorant needs to introduce itself to many of the people in my world.

** Turning crappy into happy seems like a pretty good motto for life.

** I continue to spend WAY more of my time in my car than I do in my bed.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I constantly feel like I’m forgetting to do something.

** And most likely, I am.

** In my next life, I’m coming back as a weatherman.

** Whoever decided that baseball pants should be white clearly didn’t do their own laundry.

** When people overuse LOL, it makes me wanna GOL (Gag Out Loud).

** The birds in our neighborhood use my car as their bullseye.

** All signs point to me NOT attempting to cook.

** I either need to get a job at the grocery store or move my bed over to the grocery store since I’m there pretty much 24/7.

** Having to listen to our home voicemail messages literally pains me.

** The only one who wants to go to bed around here is me.

** Best believe that the world does not need to know what you had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

** Nothing says “I love you” quite like a streak of kid snot across your sleeve.

** It’s both a blessing and a curse when your preteen discovers scented body wash and lotion.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** The world needs more creative photobombers.

** If you drive like Mario Andretti through a parking lot full of kids, you’re a giant jackass.

** Winter is apparently going to last until next winter.

** An unidentifiable smell in your car makes for such a pleasant driving experience.

** I need to find a new hiding place.

** A Chatty Kathy masseuse is as bad as a blind makeup artist.

** Spring sports in Chicago are only fun to watch if you like wearing your parka in the pouring down rain.

** Bad grammar brings out the red-penned teacher in me.

** Not monitoring your kid’s cell phone activity is one step away from a naked photo scandal.

** Thinking is evidently something that my kids don’t want me to do.

** Donald Sterling is as welcome at an NBA game as a hooker is in church.

** Parenting and sleep are like oil and water.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Wedding Crasher Fail

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Ever since I saw the crazy fun that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson had crashing all those weddings on the big screen, I’ve been dying to try it.  And this past weekend, I finally got my long-awaited chance!  However, I wasn’t at all prepared with my cover story, and I ended up getting flat-out BUSTED on my second attempt.

This all went down while I was on a girls’ getaway with some friends over the weekend. We were staying at a beautiful resort in Arizona, which we learned would be the location of not one but THREE weddings all in one night.  I mean, how perfect could that be??!!  It was truly my golden opportunity!

The first reception I chose to sneak into was an Indian one, and the awesome music the DJ was spinning immediately caught my attention.  I literally just boogied my way onto the dance floor as if I’d been there all night.  Somehow, though, I ended up shaking my groove thing with a man that was old enough to be my grandpa.  Now this wouldn’t necessarily have been a problem, except the dude ended up being the lamest dance partner in the history of dance partners.  I got bored pretty quickly and decided to move on to the next shindig.

Upon walking down the hallway, I discovered that THIS reception was seriously rocking out to a live band up on a stage.  I couldn’t help but to cut a little rug in the doorway when they began to play “Pour Some Sugar On Me“.  (You know that song brings out the stripper in all of us!)  And apparently, the lead singer wanted me to join the party since he motioned for me to come into the room.

Now, I know hindsight is 20/20, but I probably should’ve noticed that this was definitely NOT a large crowd and I was definitely NOT dressed to blend in (my dress was bright red, for crap’s sakes!)  Nevertheless, I sauntered my way up to the foot of the stage and joined a group of swaying people.  And that’s just about the time that Bitchy McBitch spun me around and said, “So how do YOU know Joe?

This was also just about the time I realized that I evidently SUCK as a wedding crasher because the only words that came out of my mouth were, “I don’t!!!”  Bitchy McBitch then led me by the shoulders straight out of the room where I found my friend dying laughing in the hallway.  Clearly, the first rule of wedding crashing is to never ever tell the truth! Damn, how I wish I would’ve said I was having Joe’s baby…..

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Goatdog likes wine, which makes total sense since he is my dog.

** If it’s not written down, it’s not getting done.

** It’s obviously some kind of rule that kid puke must be projectile and occur at an ungodly hour of the night.

** Contrary to popular opinion, spandex is NOT for everyone.

** You might wanna reconsider all those selfies if your facial expressions make you look like a serial killer.

** Spring is taking entirely too long to show up to the party.

** Getting a card in the mail is like finding a dollar bill in the dryer.

** Repair men ALWAYS ask to use your bathroom.  (And it’s usually to take a dump.)

** A broken dishwasher means it’s pizza delivery night.

** The importance of the breath mint is severely underrated.

** My couch just really, really GETS me.

** The kitchen counter is, allegedly, where dirty socks hang out.

** Kids take GROSS to a whole other level.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Happy Birthday to Me

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Cue the red carpet, marching band, and fireworks, y’all, cause today is my birthday! Yippee!  But let’s be real here, people — I’m a mom, and we all know what that means. I’ll be schlepping screaming kids from Point A to Point B, scrubbing skid marks out of little undies, and turning to my friend Google to help with the God-foresaken homework help at the end of the night.  In other words, it will likely be just another day.  However, I wouldn’t have it any other way — boogers, temper tantrums, projectile puke and all!

You see, a few decades ago (we don’t need to disclose my EXACT age now, do we?), I got the very best gift in the whole wide world just days after my birthday.  Yep, my twins were born exactly three days after my big day.  I was bound and determined not to give birth on April 16 and have three birthdays to celebrate in one day, so I actually walked around with my legs crossed that day, trying my damnedest not to sneeze.

For some crazy reason, I thought that if we all three shared a birthday, the significance of my arrival into this world would be all but forgotten.  I honestly thought that I would have something to myself — ha!  Clearly, I didn’t realize that I would be sharing EVERY single aspect of EVERY single thing I did with my precious offspring for the next eighteen years.  Gone were the days of peeing or showering without an audience.

Consequently, I’ve pretty much spent my last eleven birthdays planning big to-do’s for someone other than me.  But truth be told, I kinda dig it.  Nothing makes me happier than celebrating the two greatest presents I’ve ever received.  So even if I have to spend my evening tonight scraping peanut butter off the walls and airing out putrid-smelling shin guards, I’ll do it with a grateful smile on my face (and an EXTRA LARGE glass of wine in my hand).

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Jet lag is not really the vacation souvenir I had in mind.

** Even the eyes in the back of my head have bags underneath them.

** Just because there’s a bandwagon does not mean you have to jump on it.

** Remembering the 5,000 usernames and passwords I’ve created is damn near impossible.

** Oscar Pistorius is about as believable as OJ Simpson.

** My name should be changed to “Keeper of Everyone’s Crap“.

** Taking a quick nap in the parking lot is sounding like a better and better idea.

** If your toenails are longer than your fingernails, I don’t think we can be friends.

** It’s REALLY hard to think when your brain cells have all left the building.

** Happiness is watching a dog chase his own tail.

** I actually like the heat but would still prefer to stay out of the kitchen.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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