End of the School Year Madness

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Maybe it’s just me, but the end of the school year always seems to bring with it a boatload of unwanted stress.  Finding a “place” for all the papers that are sent home, trying not to drown in the flood of never-ending emails, buying the gazillion and one thank you gifts — IT NEVER EVER ENDS!  Really, it’s enough to send a sane woman on the first bus to Crazyville.

Honestly, I’m about to just put a giant dumpster in the front yard for all the crap that my kids are bringing home every day.  That way, they can go ahead and “file” their collection of projects on the way in the door.  I mean, call me a sourpuss, but I really don’t need to save every single painting and every single diorama that was created over the last ten months.

And if that’s not a challenge in and of itself, there’s the continuous inflow of emails that are impossible to keep up with.  Hell if I know what committee I’ve signed up for or what carpool I’m supposed to drive!  So if you’re expecting me to bring juice boxes to the class party or to pick up your kid, please forgive me because those instructions are likely buried in my inbox.

Then there’s the crazy-long list of teachers that my twins have decided they want to thank.  And apparently, a handwritten card is not good enough — they want me to go pluck more cash off the imaginary money tree in the back yard to purchase personal gifts for each and every one of them.  Cause you know every teacher is just DYING to get yet another coffee mug.

And, naturally, my children are way too busy bouncing off the walls with summer anticipation to even notice that their mama is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.  But, really, that’s they way it’s supposed to be, right?  And I totally get it — I was a kid, too, back in the olden days of yonder.  After all, as Alice Cooper once said, “The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school.

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** The end-of-the-school-year craziness must surely subtract five years off a mom’s life.

** I am sooooooooo done with the packing of the lunches.

** Stressed-out is not one of my finer looks.

** Gossip spreads WAY faster than actual news.

** If you put all your eggs in one basket, you’re gonna have one heavy freaking basket.

** Jay Z takes bad grammar to a whole other level.

** The mosquitos around here are like vampires.

** Life is just better at the beach.

** Playing Mario Kart with my son is seriously going to give me carpal tunnel.

** Unripe avocados really piss me off.

** Some people mistake the kiss-hello as an invitation to make out with your face.

** Reading Harry Potter aloud after a couple of glasses of wine is a true tongue-twisting challenge.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Onions are NOT my friend.

** Every time I see a Smart Car, I can’t help but giggle.

** Being in three different places at one time is, unfortunately, at the top of my to-do list.

** Cloning myself seems like a pretty freaking awesome idea.

** Drastic times call for drastic measures — of wine.

** Homework is dead to me at this point in the school year.

** #TBT has gotten totally #OOC.

** I’m sorry, but not everyone deserves a trophy.

** If you leave a Rice Krispie Treat unattended, it WILL get eaten.

** Martha Stewart would have a hay day with my house’s current state of disarray.

** Watching the National Spelling Bee makes me realize just how many words I could never ever use in a sentence.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** If you take up two parking spaces, you shouldn’t be surprised when you’re door-dinged.

** Putting my husband in charge of homework supervision is like putting my kids in charge of homework supervision.

** Some people really don’t understand the importance of getting to the damn point.

** V Stiviano is nuttier than squirrel poop.

** If it looks like a prostitute and acts like a prostitute, it’s most likely a prostitute.

** Making dinner reservations for 40 people is like orchestrating a battle.

** I thoroughly enjoy having my kids do my dirty work.

** Sometimes the best memories are the ones that were spontaneously made (and no, that’s not a sexual reference, perverts!)

** Showering is, sadly, at the bottom of my to-do list these days.

** I’m already beyond sick of Kim and Kanye’s wedding, and it hasn’t even happened yet.

** An itchy head makes me immediately think of lice.

** The lazy, hazy days of summer cannot get here fast enough.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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When to Fold ‘Em

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Ever have one of those days where every-freaking-thing seems to go wrong?  And no matter what you try to do, it all just turns to crap?  (If you haven’t, then it’s safe to say that I kinda hate you, but I digress….)  Well, yesterday was one of THOSE kind of days, where if I would have looked up, I surely would have found a black cloud looming right over my unlucky head.

It started out relatively uneventful but took a left turn to Sourville rather quickly.  I decided to make the long trek out to Whole Foods to load up on some healthy eats.  As always, it was more crowded than a JT concert, and I had to battle my way to the overflowing lines at the checkout.  And wouldn’t you know that I got ALL THE WAY BACK HOME before I realized that the distracted bagger had forgotten to put one of my items in the damn bags???!!!

Now, I probably would’ve just said, “Screw it!” if it hadn’t been the most expensive item on my shopping list.  But, sure enough, it was, so I drove ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE STORE to claim my forgotten item.  (So we’re clear, Whole Foods is nowhere near my preferred one-mile vicinity from home.)  And right as I was climbing out of my car, I stepped smack dab on top of some a-hole’s half-full cup of coffee that just so happened to be sitting right next to my parking space.  Coffee spewed all over my running shoes and legs, and I may or may not have dropped a REALLY loud f-bomb in the process.  The day was just getting better and better.

My next stop after retrieving my forgotten Whole Foods purchase was the UPS store where I intended to return a large piece of art that I’d ordered online.  The box was more awkwardly shaped than a kid going through puberty, so I was REALLY struggling to even get it out of the back of my car.  I had just about jimmied it out when I accidentally knocked over a bucket of baseballs that my dear-sweet-husband (*snark*) had evidently left back there after the previous night’s Little League game.

Balls went rolling down the street into oncoming traffic and under parked cars, and I may or may not have let out another REALLY loud f-bomb.  I literally scrambled as fast as I could to collect all the balls before inadvertently causing an accident.  Holy hell, there were A LOT of balls!!!

And that’s when I made the executive decision to just stop trying to tackle my stupid to-do list for the day.  Clearly, I was not meant to be out in public, so I went home and parked my ass in the backyard.  Some days ya gotta just know when to fold ‘em…..

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** EVERY day should be Mother’s Day.  Because obviously.

** Donald Sterling makes me feel a whole lot better about the bags under my eyes.

** You know you’re in for a shit storm when your dog eats five squares of Ex-lax.

** I’m totally counting all my recent coughing fits as ab workouts.

** The days of the family dinner are, sadly, more long gone than my memory.

** It’s a bad idea to piss off Beyonce’s sister.  Especially in an elevator.

** “Mommy’s not feeling well” is evidently the equivalent of “Make lots and lots of REALLY loud noise“.

** The fanciest thing I’ve done lately is get an allergy shot.

** Deodorant needs to introduce itself to many of the people in my world.

** Turning crappy into happy seems like a pretty good motto for life.

** I continue to spend WAY more of my time in my car than I do in my bed.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** I constantly feel like I’m forgetting to do something.

** And most likely, I am.

** In my next life, I’m coming back as a weatherman.

** Whoever decided that baseball pants should be white clearly didn’t do their own laundry.

** When people overuse LOL, it makes me wanna GOL (Gag Out Loud).

** The birds in our neighborhood use my car as their bullseye.

** All signs point to me NOT attempting to cook.

** I either need to get a job at the grocery store or move my bed over to the grocery store since I’m there pretty much 24/7.

** Having to listen to our home voicemail messages literally pains me.

** The only one who wants to go to bed around here is me.

** Best believe that the world does not need to know what you had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

** Nothing says “I love you” quite like a streak of kid snot across your sleeve.

** It’s both a blessing and a curse when your preteen discovers scented body wash and lotion.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

 

 

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** The world needs more creative photobombers.

** If you drive like Mario Andretti through a parking lot full of kids, you’re a giant jackass.

** Winter is apparently going to last until next winter.

** An unidentifiable smell in your car makes for such a pleasant driving experience.

** I need to find a new hiding place.

** A Chatty Kathy masseuse is as bad as a blind makeup artist.

** Spring sports in Chicago are only fun to watch if you like wearing your parka in the pouring down rain.

** Bad grammar brings out the red-penned teacher in me.

** Not monitoring your kid’s cell phone activity is one step away from a naked photo scandal.

** Thinking is evidently something that my kids don’t want me to do.

** Donald Sterling is as welcome at an NBA game as a hooker is in church.

** Parenting and sleep are like oil and water.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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Wedding Crasher Fail

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Ever since I saw the crazy fun that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson had crashing all those weddings on the big screen, I’ve been dying to try it.  And this past weekend, I finally got my long-awaited chance!  However, I wasn’t at all prepared with my cover story, and I ended up getting flat-out BUSTED on my second attempt.

This all went down while I was on a girls’ getaway with some friends over the weekend. We were staying at a beautiful resort in Arizona, which we learned would be the location of not one but THREE weddings all in one night.  I mean, how perfect could that be??!!  It was truly my golden opportunity!

The first reception I chose to sneak into was an Indian one, and the awesome music the DJ was spinning immediately caught my attention.  I literally just boogied my way onto the dance floor as if I’d been there all night.  Somehow, though, I ended up shaking my groove thing with a man that was old enough to be my grandpa.  Now this wouldn’t necessarily have been a problem, except the dude ended up being the lamest dance partner in the history of dance partners.  I got bored pretty quickly and decided to move on to the next shindig.

Upon walking down the hallway, I discovered that THIS reception was seriously rocking out to a live band up on a stage.  I couldn’t help but to cut a little rug in the doorway when they began to play “Pour Some Sugar On Me“.  (You know that song brings out the stripper in all of us!)  And apparently, the lead singer wanted me to join the party since he motioned for me to come into the room.

Now, I know hindsight is 20/20, but I probably should’ve noticed that this was definitely NOT a large crowd and I was definitely NOT dressed to blend in (my dress was bright red, for crap’s sakes!)  Nevertheless, I sauntered my way up to the foot of the stage and joined a group of swaying people.  And that’s just about the time that Bitchy McBitch spun me around and said, “So how do YOU know Joe?

This was also just about the time I realized that I evidently SUCK as a wedding crasher because the only words that came out of my mouth were, “I don’t!!!”  Bitchy McBitch then led me by the shoulders straight out of the room where I found my friend dying laughing in the hallway.  Clearly, the first rule of wedding crashing is to never ever tell the truth! Damn, how I wish I would’ve said I was having Joe’s baby…..

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Things I’ve Learned This Week

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** Goatdog likes wine, which makes total sense since he is my dog.

** If it’s not written down, it’s not getting done.

** It’s obviously some kind of rule that kid puke must be projectile and occur at an ungodly hour of the night.

** Contrary to popular opinion, spandex is NOT for everyone.

** You might wanna reconsider all those selfies if your facial expressions make you look like a serial killer.

** Spring is taking entirely too long to show up to the party.

** Getting a card in the mail is like finding a dollar bill in the dryer.

** Repair men ALWAYS ask to use your bathroom.  (And it’s usually to take a dump.)

** A broken dishwasher means it’s pizza delivery night.

** The importance of the breath mint is severely underrated.

** My couch just really, really GETS me.

** The kitchen counter is, allegedly, where dirty socks hang out.

** Kids take GROSS to a whole other level.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

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