Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby


I honestly don’t know where the time has gone, but apparently, I blinked, and my kids are old enough to have the “sex talk” in school.  I know — crazy, right??!!!!  Yep, the wonder of the ol’ reproductive system has currently been the hot topic of fifth grade science class.  And my boy/girl twins could not be handling it more differently.

Now, my son is pretty much an open book on the subject.  He’s more than happy to share each and every little detail he’s soaked up, even in a crowded public scenario.  For example, recently, while at my daughter’s soccer practice, he quite loudly revealed that, “the penis has to be straight in order to make a baby“.  Why, yes, son, yes, it does.

My daughter, on the other hand, is not so open and willing to talk about the birds and the bees.  I haven’t figured out if it’s because she’s too embarrassed or if it’s because she thinks she already knows it all.  Whatever the case, she quickly changes the subject each and every time it’s broached.

In fact, just the other night when she tried to pull her usual “I can’t go to sleep” trick, my husband invited her over to the couch to tell us what types of questions she might have about sex and the things she’s learning in science.  He figured it would either get her talking or get her back into bed.  And wouldn’t you know that she marched right back up the stairs and into bed without even one little complaint!

Now granted, as a young girl, I, too, would have been MORTIFIED to talk to my dad about penises and vaginas.  Hell, I still have trouble talking about them with him! However, I’m hoping that, with time, my girl will start to open up more to me about any questions that she has.  Cause Lord knows I’d rather my kids get the answers from me than from the Big, Bad Internet…..

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Things I’ve Learned This Week


** The noise in my house is often so LOUD that I could walk out and nobody would even notice.

** It would be AWESOME to still get care packages every now and then like we did in college.

** People are really “creative” with their parking jobs this winter.  (And by “creative” I mean assholes.)

** My son’s handwriting takes chicken scratch to a whole other level.

** Going to the dentist with chapped lips is like CHINESE FREAKING WATER TORTURE.

** We’d all hate each other a little less if the world was more “What can I do for you?” instead of “What can you do for me?

** The most problematic checkout lane at the grocery store is the one that I ALWAYS seem to pick.

** It must be mating season for idiots cause they are everywhere these days.

** Every night I go to bed and think of at least fifteen different things I forgot to do.

** We have become a family of Skinny Pop whores.

** A preheated oven sounds like the perfect place to take a nap.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



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WTH, ABC Family??!!

My kids have always LOVED commercials.  Maybe it’s because their dad works in advertising, or maybe it’s because, unlike me, they never ever get tired of hearing the “Flipeez” theme song that seems to play on repeat between shows.  Whatever the case, when an ad pops up on the screen, my twins are completely riveted.  So when a totally inappropriate commercial was shown during a KID movie on a FAMILY channel, well, my mama feathers got a little more than ruffled.

It was Sunday night, and after a long weekend of sports and sleepovers, my kids had more than earned a little relaxation and movie time.  So we all settled in to watch “Happy Feet” on ABC Family.  About halfway through the movie, I was SHOCKED to see THIS commercial air during a movie that is clearly being viewed by kids:

Now, granted, I realize that the ad was likely targeted at moms watching the movie with their kids.  However, YOUNG GIRLS were also exposed to this ad as well.  And I happen to have a real problem with “weight loss” being thrown at my daughter during a PG-rated movie!!!

As parents, we all know that body image is a real issue with girls especially. And unfortunately, we live in a society where the supposed “perfect body” is very often shoved in our faces, and like it or not, little girls are very much influenced by that.  That’s why in our house, we make a point to never talk about weight or dieting.  We want our daughter to feel comfortable and confident in her own skin.

So when I’m watching a family-friendly movie, I expect the commercials to also be family-friendly.  I’d rather see the damn “Flipeez” ad over and over again then to have Jessica Simpson tell my daughter that she feels better in her skinnier body.  I would think ABC “Family” would know better than that…..


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Things I’ve Learned This Week


** I wish my brain shut off as easily when I try to go to sleep as it does when I try to help my kids with their homework.

** Exhaustion is just NOT a good look on me.

** Dioramas are a teacher’s way of finding out how uncreative a parent is with a shoebox.

** “Snow thunder” is apparently a thing.

** I’m allergic to winter.  (Is there a pill for that?)

** If you reside in California or anywhere warm, I may be coming to live with you.

** People who let their dogs shit on the sidewalk need a big old dose of KARMA.

** If I suddenly disappear, it’s because my car and I have finally been swallowed whole by a giant pothole.

** Nobody wants to see your naked boobs flopping around while you dry your hair in the locker room.  Trust me.

** My kids’ gym shoes smell like a skunk died in a Diaper Genie.

** In the middle of Ben & Jerry’s is not really where I pictured having the birds & the bees talk with my twins.

** Carpooling by kayak was seeming like a real possibility.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.


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Something’s Gotta Give


As a parent, we’re often so used to running on autopilot that we rarely ever even stop to think about why we’re doing something.  We just continue to do it mindlessly, day after day after day.  Take, for instance, the gazillion and one loads of never-ending laundry and the gazillion and one loads of multiplying dishes that we wash.  Honestly, where in the world does it all come from??!!  Lately, I’ve been wondering how FOUR measly people can generate so much dirty shit??!! Well, last night, I finally figured it all out.

Let’s start with the laundry.  Like many of you, I do a load (or ten) of kids’ clothes every single day of every single week.  Yet, somehow, I find an overflowing laundry hamper every time I open one of my kid’s closet doors.  It’s like it’s reproducing in there or something.  I mean, I know I’m in a fog half the time, but I’m pretty sure that my children aren’t wearing fifteen different outfits a day.

Turns out that my careless little wonders are actually PUTTING CLEAN CLOTHES into their laundry hampers.  Yes, that’s right, folks — CLEAN CLOTHES.  You see, when they’re grabbing a shirt off a hanger and another shirt falls onto the floor, they apparently assume the fallen garment is then in need of washing, thus doubling the size of the dirty clothes mountain.  UHHOLY HELL TO THE NO!!!!

And then there’s the dirty dishes.  I swear there never ever seem to be any clean kids’ cups available to use!!!  I run the dishwasher on the daily, and people are still in search of a plastic freaking cup.  Well, evidently, my dear sweet offspring and their friends are GETTING OUT A NEW CUP EVERY TIME THEY NEED A DRINK OF WATER.  It often looks like the aftermath of a fraternity party with all the cups lined up on my kitchen counter by the end of the day.

Clearly, something needs to change.  We’re supposed to be preserving our environment, not destroying it one dirty shirt/cup at a time.  The only real solution I can come up with is to become a nudist family who drinks straight out of the sink tap.  Anybody got any better ideas?  Cause I’m certainly all ears….

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Things I’ve Learned This Week


** If I held my breath for a big Valentine’s Day surprise, I’d surely end up dead.

** A pre-shower naked dance is evidently becoming a nightly ritual around here.

** Yoga is like church for the body and the soul — can I get an AMEN??!!

** Every time I hear the word “luge“, I can’t help but think of K-Y.

** My cell phone has confirmed the location of the Bermuda Triangle as that place between the driver’s seat and middle console of my car.

** Our backyard will be a land mine of poop once this snow finally melts.

** I’m not sure who liked The Lego Movie more — the kids or my husband and me.

** The more you expect from a person, the more he or she will likely let you down.

** Homework gives me a massive headache.  And a massive craving for wine.

** It’s such a warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you tell your kid you love him, and his response is, “Ok“.

** I’m the QUEEN of hiding gifts for other people in places I can never find again.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



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Google Is My Copilot


Remember that show, “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?”  Well, it turns out, I’m apparently not.  You see, I happen to live with two of them, and I’m reminded of that fact nearly every friggin’ night when I try to help them with their homework — I swear we never learned ANY of this stuff until high school or college or, hell, maybe even never!

I kid you not, my twins recently studied PHYSICS in their science class.  Freaking PHYSICS!!!  Yep, they could probably tell you more about force, mass, and gravity than even old Newton himself!  And in math, they’re already learning about geometry and all those super confusing ways you can classify a shape.  I spent a solid ten minutes trying to figure out the difference between a quadrilateral and a polygon, when it turns out that a quadrilateral IS a damn polygon!

And they almost always come to me over my husband when they get tripped up on an assignment.  Because my kids, bless their hearts, are quick to point out that I used to be a teacher pre-momhood, which, in their minds, qualifies me for figuring out the answer to just about anything and everything.  (I hate to burst their little bubbles, but I don’t even remember half of what I used to know!)

Of course, I’m grateful that they’re soaking up all this amazing information we adults took years to even comprehend.  But I’m afraid they’re about to outsmart me any day now!  All I can say is THANK GOD for Google.  Google is my copilot and has helped me look a little less like an idiot on more than a few occasions.  Cause as our kids continue to advance way far ahead of us, we need all the help we can get….



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Things I’ve Learned This Week


** Snowblowers are the roosters of my neighborhood.

** Joe Namath is just a gold tooth and a hooker away from becoming a pimp.

** Insomnia is stalking me yet again.

** Goatdog REALLY wants to poop on grass again.

** It’s never too early to teach your kids how to gamble.

** I’d pretty much give my left arm for a mud room right about NOW.

** Too many people underestimate the creepiness of their facial hair.

** There’s nothing better than being with friends who make you laugh till your face hurts.

** Mothers who try to one-up other mothers deserve a high five.  In the face.

** The car wash will surely charge me triple if I ever take my salt/snow/dirt-ridden SUV through there.

** I can’t remember the last time I was warm.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



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Things I’ve Learned This Week


** Whoever sent the Polar Vortex an invitation to return is in need of a good ass kicking.

** If I wanted to live in Antarctica, I would’ve moved to Antarctica.

** My lips might very well just chap right off my face.

** Cabin fever does CRAZY things to one’s mind.

** Watching the weather forecast is just as depressing as watching the news.

** Friends don’t let friends walk around with unibrows.

** My husband LOVES it when I accidentally buy yet another box of pasta when we already have 5 boxes in the pantry.

** Planning for summer camp schedules is more difficult than planning for retirement.

** The smoke alarm in our basement is apparently going to beep for ALL OF ETERNITY.

** The relationship my son has with homework is similar to the one I have with laundry.

** It’s kind of hard to run on the treadmill when all you’ve brought to the gym are your big, clunky snow boots.

** The equator never looked more attractive to me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



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Suck It, Mother Nature

wire hangers

I’d always thought that Mother Nature and I kind of had a connection — you know with the whole “mother” thing and all.  But I’m really starting to think that she’s falsely assumed her title because no mama in her right mind would make it so damn cold outside that kids are off school and trapped indoors for days on end.  I’m actually starting to picture her all crazed and smeared in white facial cream, holding a wire hanger above her head.

And yeah, I’m fully aware that I live in Chicago, and our winters are notorious for sucking big time.  However, we can normally get out and at least play in the snow a little bit.  But if we tried to roll around and make snow angels in THIS frigid air?  Well, we’d turn into human popsicles within minutes.

So we’ve been cooped up like chickens, ready to peck out each other’s eyeballs.  Because it seems that there is absolutely “nothing to do” here, even though we have an entire basement full of kid crap.  My kids’ favorite pastime activity over the past few days has been YELLING EVERY SINGLE WORD AT THE VERY TIP TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.  It’s super fun.  And not at all annoying.

I guess old Mother Nature never saw “The Shining” because we all know what too much together time can do to a person.  Cabin fever is just not at all sexy.  So the arctic blast needs to move on out because we’re in total survival of the fittest mode at this point.  I will either be an alcoholic or a 500 pound couch potato soon because that’s about all that’s keeping me going.  From now on, I’m just gonna refer to her as “Ms. Nature” because she’s clearly not a part of the Motherhood.

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