Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_19214295_mt3jz74wcr.jpg

** I’m being stalked by a grasshopper.

** Amusement parks are where manners go to die and germs go to thrive.

** Sleeping with the windows open is awesome.  Unless your neighbor’s dog sounds like a dying coyote.

** ”Not Dishwasher Safe” is apparently a warning rather than a suggestion.

** Carrying on a deep conversation while having a bikini wax is quite the challenge.

** I totally think I need a Roomba.

** There’s a reason why cheap dog poop bags are so cheap.

** If I didn’t go to the grocery store EVERY FLIPPING DAY, the cashiers would start to look for me.

** The hospital is no place for healthy people.

** When your kids throw out the “I’m bored” card, it’s time to play the “Let’s clean toilets” card.

** I enjoy talking to myself cause I’m the only one who seems to listen to me.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Crazy Aaron Can Suck It

grrrrrrr

I’ve always been of the opinion that Play-Doh, Silly Putty, and all things gooey should be “outside” toys.  They just always seem to crumble into little bits all over the floor for someone’s feet to drag throughout the entire damn house.  And this is EXACTLY why I should have known better than to allow my children to bring Crazy Aaron’s stupid Thinking Putty into a room full of upholstered furniture.

Back in the spring, this stuff was seriously all the rage at our middle school.  It came in all different styles — magnetic, hypercolor, glow in the dark, and God knows what other kinds of accidents waiting to happen.  My daughter absolutely HAD to collect as many tins of the putty as her cash stockpile would possibly allow her.  And she SWORE to me that she would never ever play with it while sitting on any of the furniture.  And I believed her.  (Yes, I realize now how insanely MORONIC that was of me.)

So a few weeks ago, I honestly thought the fad was over because I hadn’t seen the likes of Crazy Aaron or any of his stupid putty in months.  That is, until I tried to fluff the sofa cushions in the family room.  And that’s when I found this:

10552548_10152301519488165_7914977750409730747_n

You may or may not notice the lovely blue stain of MOTHER FREAKING GUNK that now adorns our family room sofa.  Cute, huh?  And that is what it looks like after HOURS of trying to scrape it off the fabric.  Needless to say, Crazy Aaron and all of his blood-sucking putty are now residing in the trash.  He is not welcome here.  Ever.  Ever.  Again.

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_84723273_zmw8swqs9m.jpg

** A backyard campout for the kids is so much more fun when it’s in someone else’s backyard.

** Facebook should really be called “Bragbook“.

** If looks could kill, then the REALLY loud lady on her cell phone at my nail salon would be dead.

** An entire century seems to pass during a little league baseball game.

** The same could be said about the drying time of a wet sleeping bag (sheesh!)

** My flip flops can’t take all the premature back to school ads.

** I’m a seriously sucky marshmallow roaster.

** Everything is better at the beach (except having to go to the bathroom).

** If your first name is Moscow, and your last name is Mule, I’m totally digging you this summer.

** Technology has apparently de-friended me.

** Saying hello is so much easier than saying goodbye.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >> 

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things I’ve Learned This Week

10269454_655841521150571_1708090892064560866_n

** It’s evidently mating season for a-holes.

** If I never go to the U.S. Post Office again, it’ll be too soon.

** Summer needs to just tap the brakes.

** Rip Van Winkle’s got nothing on my husband.

** Appliances tend to break down in multiples.

** My pantry can’t seem to keep up with my kids.

** It should probably surprise me to find half a cheeseburger in the back seat of my car.

** But, sadly, it doesn’t.

** I wish I enjoyed my children’s farts as much as they do.

** People who start countdowns to Christmas in July can bite me.

** Being stuck in a group text vortex is like being cornered by a pack of wolves.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_60314975_fkxrpyck8k.jpg

** There’s no place like home.  (Even if it IS a giant wreck of a mess.)

** My kids actually DO sorta kinda miss me when I’m not around.  Who knew?!

** Someone needs to murder the smoke alarm in our attic.  Seriously.  Like, yesterday.

** Just because YOU’RE having a bad day does not mean that everyone else should, too.

** I wish I could make money as fast as I’m shelling it out to my kids this summer.

** Nobody seems to use turn signals anymore.  WTF?!

** Though many applicants didn’t get the memo, the position of “Jackass” has already been filled.

** I’m starting to think “Death by Laundry” will be the title of my obituary.

** A nail fungus commercial is most definitely NOT something you wanna see while you’re eating dinner.

** The “dumb card” is severely overplayed.

** It is both exhilarating and infuriating to organize all your kids’ crap.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

11-8-13f-i

** June somehow pulled a giant disappearing act on us.

** The more laundry I have to fold, the more I dream about becoming a nudist family.

** Tim Howard is a modern-day Superman.

** Sleepovers involve pretty much everything BUT sleep.

** When I see people packing up all their tents & gear to set up in the woods somewhere, I can’t help but think how much I love not camping.

** Disney Channel theme songs run uncontrollably through my head 24/7. 

** Fireworks and stupid people are a dangerous combination.

** Instead of sexy, I’m bringing napping back.

** The town “fun run” sounds like lots of FUN until you realize you have to run it after copious amounts of wine while watching fireworks.

** A possible mosquito sighting inside your house is NEVER a good thing.

** Why pay a masseuse when you can bribe your kids to do it for practically free?

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_64712894_cmvj9ptwvs.jpg

** Mother Nature seems to have Chicago and San Francisco confused.

** Every time I go to CVS, the receipt is longer than the Great Wall of China.

** Some of us just aren’t cut out for high heels.  (Like me, for example.)

** Grown men apparently still bite each other.  Who knew?!

** Showering just seems like sooooooooooooo much work.

** Putting your money where your mouth is, is not a good idea.  Cause money is REALLY dirty.

** People who rarely smile scare me.

** You pretty much suck if you don’t tell someone when there’s a giant piece of crap stuck in his or her teeth.

** There’s at least a handful of jackasses in every crowd.

** My liver could really use a vacation.

** In my next life, I’m coming back as Betty White.

** I believe that we will win!!!!!!

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_76585140_ftwsxpzrdz.jpg
** Cooking would be so much more enjoyable if someone did it for me.

** No matter the question, duct tape is ALWAYS the answer.

** I’m apparently a “lame” fort builder.

** There are so many hot World Cup soccer players and so little time to drool over them.

** Sitting down for more than two seconds is evidently a crime.

** I’m a mom, after all.

** If you eat a giant cupcake with your eyes closed, the calories are all erased.  (Right?  RIGHT???!!!)

** I wouldn’t recognize a dull moment if it came up and punched me in the face.

** Gloomy skies and laziness clearly go hand in hand.

** There’s always gotta be that one kid who’s the MASTER of stopping up your damn toilet.

** Steamed brussel sprouts smell like steamed ass.

** Just because you tell your kids something 9,999 times does not mean that they’ll listen.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things I’ve Learned This Week

Rottenecards_66946641_9fgs5frp8p

** It takes a village.  To raise a husband.

** The world is way too incredibly full of itself.

** Surprisingly, it’s been 20 years since OJ got away with murder.

** The ONLY thing that should make a duck face is a duck.

** There truly is a sucker born every single minute.

** My kids are never gonna go to bed this summer.

** It’s gonna be a LONG summer.

** Caterpillar poop is apparently called “frass“, which sounds so much fancier than “shit“.

** Potting soil in your sports bra is a whole lotta itchy.

** I could win an award for spending entirely too much time (and money) in Target.

** As always, sleep needs to be WAY higher on my to-do list.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

<< SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>

 

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

End of the School Year Madness

1340509283247_6049743

Maybe it’s just me, but the end of the school year always seems to bring with it a boatload of unwanted stress.  Finding a “place” for all the papers that are sent home, trying not to drown in the flood of never-ending emails, buying the gazillion and one thank you gifts — IT NEVER EVER ENDS!  Really, it’s enough to send a sane woman on the first bus to Crazyville.

Honestly, I’m about to just put a giant dumpster in the front yard for all the crap that my kids are bringing home every day.  That way, they can go ahead and “file” their collection of projects on the way in the door.  I mean, call me a sourpuss, but I really don’t need to save every single painting and every single diorama that was created over the last ten months.

And if that’s not a challenge in and of itself, there’s the continuous inflow of emails that are impossible to keep up with.  Hell if I know what committee I’ve signed up for or what carpool I’m supposed to drive!  So if you’re expecting me to bring juice boxes to the class party or to pick up your kid, please forgive me because those instructions are likely buried in my inbox.

Then there’s the crazy-long list of teachers that my twins have decided they want to thank.  And apparently, a handwritten card is not good enough — they want me to go pluck more cash off the imaginary money tree in the back yard to purchase personal gifts for each and every one of them.  Cause you know every teacher is just DYING to get yet another coffee mug.

And, naturally, my children are way too busy bouncing off the walls with summer anticipation to even notice that their mama is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.  But, really, that’s they way it’s supposed to be, right?  And I totally get it — I was a kid, too, back in the olden days of yonder.  After all, as Alice Cooper once said, “The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school.

Posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments