** My to -do list is in kahoots with Mother Nature to see who can drive me the batshit craziest.
•• Think VERY long and hard before letting a dog lick you in the face.
** I gave birth to aliens.
•• With his penis tricks and burping capabilities, my son will easily be the star of his fraternity some day.
** Asking for a drama-free morning in my house is like asking a nudist not to be naked.
** Packing for vacation is a total pain in the ass buzz kill.
** It’s best not to let the assholes take the reins.
** I’m apparently gonna look like a zombie for at least ten more years.
** Few people in this world have learned the importance of a good Listerine rinse.
** My brain is rotting away day by day.
** Piles of dog shit are trying to take over my neighborhood.
** Homework and wine go hand in hand.
** My eyelids really just prefer to be closed.
** It’s evidently always my fault.
** They’re serving crack at school now days.
** Four obnoxious kids in a car is an excellent reminder about the value of a good set of ear plugs.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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