Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas in my house if there wasn’t at least one embarrassing moment to store in the old memory bank. There was the one time that my daughter ran around with the red lacy thong on her head that Santa had left in my stocking. Then there was the time that my father-in-law opened up a big Hickory Farms sausage right after opening up a jar of “Crack Cream.” And now this year, I can add the moment when I unwrapped a sex game in front of not only my parents, but also my wide-eyed and VERY curious seven year olds.
So, to set the scene, it was Christmas morning, and we’d all piled into the living room to open the remaining gifts from under the tree. The kids were fairly content, having just tore through the contents of their stockings, and my husband and I decided to exchange the few gifts that we’d bought for each other. After we’d finished, my mother-in-law said that she wanted to share the gifts that she’d brought for my parents and my husband and me. This came as somewhat of a pleasant surprise to us since the adults in our family made the decision years ago to focus only on gifts for the kids at Christmas and to not buy presents for each other. Each adult might get a little something in his or her stocking, but that’s about it.
The first gift my husband opened was a little screwdriver set to keep in the kitchen — harmless enough. I then opened up a thing of post-it notes, which I always need since my kids constantly steal my damn notepads. And then my daughter brought over a small present that was labeled to both my husband and me. Not thinking a thing about it, I ripped off the wrapping paper and held up what appeared to be a deck of cards. However, upon second glance, I noticed that the box had the letters “S-E-X” written in bright red on the front of it. And when I looked even closer at the box, I realized that it was actually a card game. Holy shit! It was a card game of sexual positions! WTF?!
I laughed nervously as I glanced in the direction of my parents who also had awkward grins plastered on their faces. My mother-in-law chuckled and said something about there being “a story that went along with this.” And even though I was dying to hear what it was, I suddenly remembered that my nosy kids were sitting not even two feet in front of me. So I jammed the deck of cards into the seat cushions of the sofa before any little brains could register the words on the box. I could fudge my way through a half-assed talk about the birds and bees with two seven-year-olds, but I sure as hell didn’t wanna get into a discussion about doggy-style versus cowgirl.
Unfortunately, I never even had a chance to find out the true story behind the gift before my mother-in-law left town. I’m sure it’s actually quite funny. Guess I’ll have to get the low-down at another time. In the meantime, though, I need to find a good hiding place for this little gift. Something tells me it should be kept in a REALLY separate place from Monopoly and Chutes & Ladders….