A REAL Holiday Newsletter (re-post)

I loved this post that I wrote so much last year that I decided to re-post it again this year.  With all the holiday cards that are starting to occupy our mailboxes, I think it’s only appropriate.  See what you think….

I gotta admit that I am not a big fan of those holiday newsletters that people send in lieu of cards at this time of the year.  Now, granted, some people can diplomatically give an in-depth year-end review of their family without sounding like they’re boasting, but in my experience, many people tend to use this as an opportunity to toot their own horns about all of the WONDERFULLY AMAZING & AWESOME things that have happened to them throughout the year. There’s often no tact whatsoever and absolutely no holding back. It’s just sentence after sentence of brag, brag, brag.

There’s nothing worse than having a really shitty day and going to the mailbox to find one of these flaunt fests sitting in there staring back at you.  I mean, come on, who really wants to hear about how little nine month old Johnny’s already potty-trained himself or how two year old Susie’s already translating Spanish novels or how Mr. X. bought you a brand new Mercedes for your birthday or how many times you went to the Caribbean throughout the year or how many square feet make up your newly built home or how many carats are in your new Tiffany set earrings.  Puke, puke and more puke.  News flash: NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT!

What I think would be awesome is to send those type of show-off people a REAL holiday newsletter, chocked full of all the ugly, nitty gritty details that have consumed the last never-ending year.  It could read something like this:

Dear Friends & Family,

Hallelujah & smack my ass cause this shitstorm of a year is finally coming to an end!  I never thought I’d get my bowels to regulate again, but they seem to be on the up and up after getting on a steady regimen of prunes and Milk of Magnesia.  Ted’s wearing a hole in our family room sofa after being laid off from the plant back in August. He’s decided to become a full-time couch potato, so I’ve been working the corner downtown on the weekends.  It’s definitely not my dream job, but somebody’s gotta bring home the bacon. I’m getting lots of exercise too.  Since they impounded our car last month, I have to walk everywhere to run errands.  I think I’ve finally talked little Bobby’s school into allowing him back into class after peeing in his locker and farting on his music teacher.  Little Judy’s still being home-schooled though, because apparently, mooning the principal is a pretty big offense.  And it looks like Uncle Joe’s gonna be coming out of rehab just in time for Christmas Eve.  He can take Grandma Betty’s place at the dinner table because she got thrown in the slammer once again for shoplifting down at the dollar store.  We’re praying the electric company turns our power back on by then so we can actually see our food.  At any rate, I’m sure this next year’s gonna be a MUCH better one for all of us, because really, it can’t get much worse, can it?

Happy Holidays to all & to all a good night!
The Nucking Futs Family

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10 Responses to A REAL Holiday Newsletter (re-post)

  1. neena says:

    best. newsletter. ever.

  2. Mia says:

    LOVE IT! That’s exactly how we feel about those damn letters in the cards.
    This is perfect.

  3. Hilarious! I am hitting the “share” button right now!

  4. Tomika - says:

    Will there be a copyright infringement if I just substitute my family’s name at the bottom?! Hilarious!

  5. Cara Fadeley says:

    I’m sharing this on facebook! I may just copy the letter and sign my name at the end (its ok since i am telling you first right) and send it to my uppity relatives that send the 2 page letter about their 3000sq foot house, new inground pool, new RV they bought and the traveling htey do on the husbands work expense all while she sits home and does nothing but get her hair and nails done (and that is SO hard iwth the kids so they are in daycare all day!)

  6. The Mama says:

    Aside from the birth of my son, “shitstorm” totally describes my 2010 … so I most certainly do not want to see any letters bragging about someone’s super, awesome, amazing family!

  7. Lisa @pbajmom says:

    LOVE IT!!!!!!

    P.S. You are so nucking funny! LOL

  8. ang says:

    lmfao i loved it for real

  9. Ann Caren says:

    I love it! We get a few of those every year. My favorite is from my cousin who’s ass husband writes it. He is also cheating on her and took her kids away. Nice!

  10. Jasmine says:

    As true this year as it was last year. Love ya, and Merry Christmas. May your garbage can have room for all of the boxes, and may the demon dog let you shower in peace. 🙂

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