** People still haven’t figured out that antlers on your car scream “Jackass on Board.”
** Screw the fake. I miss having a real Christmas tree.
** Gray hairs are a total smack in the face. (As if I need yet another reminder that gettin’ old ain’t pretty.)
** If I don’t get back into my regular workout routine, I may very well kill a unicorn.
** Grandma and/or Grandpa Moses ALWAYS pull out in front of me when I’m in a hurry.
** The Scotch tape needs to be kept under lock and key in this house.
** If I had a dollar for every time I cut myself shaving my legs, I could afford the electrolysis that I so obviously need.
** Deodorant application should be mandatory for gym memberships.
** Swimming with sharks in a meat bikini would be more fun than helping a stubborn second grader with homework.
** I forget about ten things I’m supposed to do on a daily basis.
** When you’re a parent, sleep is like sex — ya never ever get it enough.
** As much as I wish it didn’t, Sephora kinda intimidates the hell outta me.
** Sorry Rolling Stones, but time is NOT on my side.
** My children are apparently nocturnal.
** Little dirty socks somehow always find their way onto the kitchen counter.
** The condom machine in the men’s bathroom is something that I’m not quite ready to explain to a seven year old.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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