Redefining the Rules

Every household has its own set of rules which its members are expected to follow.  Most of them are pretty reasonable expectations that allow the inhabitants to peacefully co-exist with one another.  Lately, however, I’ve been feeling like our little Constitution needs some serious amending.  Here are just a few of the additions that I think need to be attached to our domestic guidelines:

1.  Do not not ride the dog.

2.  Do not lick people, especially strangers.

3.  Do not eat your boogers.

4.  Do not eat the fish food.

5.  Do not put your Legos in the oven.

6.  Do not shoot your sister.

7.  Do not spit on the window.

8.  Do not shove Goldfish up your nose.

9.  Do not drink your bath water.

10.  Do not put your underwear on the kitchen table.

11.  Do not eat M&M’s while taking a dump.

12.  Do not stick your head in the trash can.

13.  Do not throw balls at the windows.

14.  Do not kick your Daddy in the balls.

15.  Do not answer the door in your birthday suit.

16.  Do not put the milk in the pantry.

17.  Do not put dead bugs in Mommy’s purse.

18.  Do not eat toothpaste.

19.  Do not put popcorn in the toilet.

20.  Do not honk Mommy’s boobs.


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13 Responses to Redefining the Rules

  1. Seriously on the floor in hysterics right now. I swear we must share the same kids. I hope you don’t mind if I hang up your rules in our house. I think they apply quite nicely.

  2. Katie says:

    Do not drink from the dogs bowl.
    That’s usually at the top of our list… Plus more than half of your list 🙂

  3. Alison says:

    Do not rock in kitchen chairs.

    Do not put your hands/ stuffed animals/ Wii Remotes in close physical proximity to the TV screen.

    Do not sit on the armrest. It is not called a buttrest.

    Flush the toilet after you pee. Yes, EVERY time.

    And I am completely with you on the Do not eat your boogers.

  4. Dawn says:

    I’d add: Do not use the coffee table as a hamper for your dirty socks.

  5. Jessica says:

    Aw, no eating MM’s while BMing? C’mon! 😉

  6. April says:

    Never give your toddler plastic golf clubs while riding in the car! He figured out how to put them end to end and whack me in the head as I was driving!

    Do not get a water dispenser without a cold safety button or you too will enjoy a kitchen floor covered in water while your toddler is holding the button to let all the water run out! While he squeals with delight!!

  7. I was thinking #14 was also going to be followed up with a #14a “unless mama tells you to.” 😉

  8. Jess says:

    OMG! Totally made me laugh out loud!! Funny how so many of these things end up being universal….and here we all are, thinking we have the strangest kids on earth!

    Alternate Title: “Things you never thought you’d actually have to say to another person.” (At least until you became a Mom, that is!)

  9. Jewels says:

    Any people wonder why you are Nucking Futs!! 🙂 Loved it!!

  10. Keri says:

    Do not wake up at the crack of ass on a non-school/non-work day!!!!!!! (see my blog!!!) 🙂

  11. Angela says:

    -Do not play in the litterbox.
    -The living room floor is not a trashcan.
    -Do not draw on yourself 5 minutes before leaving for school or church.
    -No jumping on the couch naked (it’s in front of a a big window)
    -Do not ask strangers if they are pregnant.

    -The boogers is a good one!

  12. Lisa Duggan says:

    Do not lick rain off the car—later amended to ANY car—after she licked the BMW in the Trader Joe’s parking lot and I screamed “What did I just tell you!” She said, in her defense, “I thought you just meant OUR car.”

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