Mario, the Horn Dog

There comes a “Holy shit!” moment in every modern day parent’s journey when he or she realizes that it’s time to put the parental lockdowns on all the tv’s and computers in the house.  This can come as quite a shock when it’s been nothing but Dora and Little Bear year after year.  Unfortunately, though, as kids get older, they get WAY too freaking smart, and even the most innocent looking content can have some sort of sleaze and smut hidden within it.  And chances are that your kids will somehow manage to find it.  I recently found this out firsthand when my son discovered some rather inappropriate extracurricular activities between none other than Mario and Princess Peach.

Not too long ago, my dad had told my Nintendo-crazed son about a great website he found online that featured a ton of different Mario Brothers games.  My son quickly became obsessed with going on the site to not only play the games but also to run the damn theme song into the ground as often as he possibly could.  To be honest, I really didn’t give it much thought at first because he’s played Mario games like it was his friggin’ job for the past year, and I foolishly just chalked it up to yet another harmless game site.

One day, however, my son told me to watch this “hilarious” video he’d found on the site.  And let me just tell you, I was horrified when I looked up to find Mario in bed with Princess Peach.  WTF?!  I don’t think I’ve ever leapt across a room quicker than I did that day.  I couldn’t punch the buttons on the remote any faster if I’d tried.  My son was totally confused as to why his mom was freaking out since the whole humor of the video was totally over his head (thank God).  I told him that he was only allowed to play the games on the site and that he wasn’t to go to the video section.  (Stop laughing.)

Knowing that kids will be kids though, I decided to do some poking around (no pun intended) on the site to see what other gems might possibly be uncovered.  I about pissed my pants when I saw a video spoof of a doctor informing Mario and Luigi that they weren’t actually biological brothers, which then prompted them to start freely making out with each other.  We’re talking tonsil hockey, ass grabbing, and the whole nine yards.  The icing on the cake, however, was when Princess Peach walked in on the scene and exclaimed, “What the fuck??!!”  Yep, video game-inspired porn is EXACTLY what I want my seven-year-old son watching with his little seven-year-old friends.

So clearly, it’s time for us to be more on top of the things our kids are watching on t.v. and on the computer.  I often forget that they are close to being more technologically advanced than their own mother.  And sadly, there’s a lot of creepy shit out there that’s definitely NOT kid-appropriate.  And the last thing I need is to be explaining why Mario is porking the princess.

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16 Responses to Mario, the Horn Dog

  1. MER says:

    This reminds me of the time my husband was reading a magazine and my son was watching videos on my husband’s computer. When I walked into the room, I checked out what the Kid was watching and then said to his father…

    “Uh, honey, while I find this terribly amusing, I’m not sure our son should be watching Spongebong Hemppants.”

  2. *sigh* sometimes I long for the days of Dora and Diego. Life seemed less complicated :). Now it’s constant screening of tv and computer. I feel the teenage years sneaking in right around the corner…

  3. Sonora says:

    OH.MY.GOSH!!! I can’t believe that. I mean, I should believe it, but I just can’t. Seriously, Mario? My kids are just under the age of getting into things like this. Thanks for the heads up. I will be VERY careful!

  4. Christy says:

    We have a whitelist of sties that our kids are allowed to use and they are “Trusted” sources. They’ve got a browser that only allows those sites. I know you’ve just learned this lesson, but it bears repeating that just because a site has familiar characters on it, doesn’t make it appropriate. I mean, if you’re going to call making out and lying in bed together porn, you’re in for an even bigger shock at what other things animated characters are doing on some sites. =} Generally speaking, you’re better off just investing in some games for your console than allowing Internet gaming for young kids. It’s not a kid-friendly space.

  5. DC Urban Dad says:

    Bring back Pong and the Atari.

  6. Hanna says:

    Totally been there, done that. It started with innocent YouTube movies that I had to censor by standing there, watching them like a hawk. That got old right quick so we just put parent block on it. There are kids-based sites, too, that are pretty intense. has some games that are fun but when they go into the forums and such it gets nutty.

    My Oh Shit moment happened when I wanted to see the video for California Gurls by Katy Perry. I haven’t watched MTV since Ricky Rachman was on Headbanger’s Ball. So when I pulled it up On Demand I just stared. Not sure why I didn’t think blantant sexuality would be there but damn if I didn’t say, “oh shit.” It’s now my oldest son’s favorite video. I attempted to redeem myself and thought Taio Cruz’s Dynamite would be ok. Yeah…except for the fact that all the women in his video were sex object and submissive. I just give up.

  7. Please please please give the url of the site —

    Yikes. It’s another thing to supervise.

    Raising puppies is a lot easier. Not a rewarding, but a helluva lot easier.

  8. Miriam says:

    Wow! And my son is obsessed with both Mario and the PC! We do a lot of screening and parental controls but you never know what can happen! We had to block a couple sites a few yes ago when we found out some things weren’t what they seem. There are sick ppl out there that love to compromise sites for their own amusement! Very sad! I would like to make sure this one is blocked tho if you don’t mind sharing.


  9. ang says:

    umm wow never yep speechless
    i do know that my sons aunt was online one day looking for the movie babe so that is what she typed in and yep not what she wanted
    but mario no way so wrong

  10. Ann says:

    Same thing happened about a year ago when my daughter searched for Fred videos on YouTube. The Fred from iCarly fame. One spoof had a guy acting like Fred but “pissing” in his mouth. I almost climbed across the table when I heard the f-bomb. Where’s the mouse?!? Hit the red “X”!!!!!!

  11. I have to admit I’m glad my kids are adults now. You have to monitor so much more now-a-days with kids.

  12. ChopperPapa says:

    My 6 year old boy is big into the Batman cartoons, The last one we saw got a step away from the Dark Knight whipping it out and going to town with Lois right there in the Bat-cave.

  13. I know this isn’t funny but your description of the princess was ridiculously funny.

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