There comes a “Holy shit!” moment in every modern day parent’s journey when he or she realizes that it’s time to put the parental lockdowns on all the tv’s and computers in the house. This can come as quite a shock when it’s been nothing but Dora and Little Bear year after year. Unfortunately, though, as kids get older, they get WAY too freaking smart, and even the most innocent looking content can have some sort of sleaze and smut hidden within it. And chances are that your kids will somehow manage to find it. I recently found this out firsthand when my son discovered some rather inappropriate extracurricular activities between none other than Mario and Princess Peach.
Not too long ago, my dad had told my Nintendo-crazed son about a great website he found online that featured a ton of different Mario Brothers games. My son quickly became obsessed with going on the site to not only play the games but also to run the damn theme song into the ground as often as he possibly could. To be honest, I really didn’t give it much thought at first because he’s played Mario games like it was his friggin’ job for the past year, and I foolishly just chalked it up to yet another harmless game site.
One day, however, my son told me to watch this “hilarious” video he’d found on the site. And let me just tell you, I was horrified when I looked up to find Mario in bed with Princess Peach. WTF?! I don’t think I’ve ever leapt across a room quicker than I did that day. I couldn’t punch the buttons on the remote any faster if I’d tried. My son was totally confused as to why his mom was freaking out since the whole humor of the video was totally over his head (thank God). I told him that he was only allowed to play the games on the site and that he wasn’t to go to the video section. (Stop laughing.)
Knowing that kids will be kids though, I decided to do some poking around (no pun intended) on the site to see what other gems might possibly be uncovered. I about pissed my pants when I saw a video spoof of a doctor informing Mario and Luigi that they weren’t actually biological brothers, which then prompted them to start freely making out with each other. We’re talking tonsil hockey, ass grabbing, and the whole nine yards. The icing on the cake, however, was when Princess Peach walked in on the scene and exclaimed, “What the fuck??!!“ Yep, video game-inspired porn is EXACTLY what I want my seven-year-old son watching with his little seven-year-old friends.
So clearly, it’s time for us to be more on top of the things our kids are watching on t.v. and on the computer. I often forget that they are close to being more technologically advanced than their own mother. And sadly, there’s a lot of creepy shit out there that’s definitely NOT kid-appropriate. And the last thing I need is to be explaining why Mario is porking the princess.