** There are seven days in a week? Really?
** A boomerang does NOT belong on the kitchen counter.
** Nor does it belong on the toilet.
** My neighbor’s name is Pete, not Joe. (Maybe that’s why he’s given me weird looks all these years?)
** I should stop buying dog biscuits & just give the dog what he really wants — dryer sheets.
** Ice cream makes everything better.
** Sunscreen is EXTREMELY important. If only I’d learned this as a teenager….
** All I need is a whip and some elephants & this house would truly be a three-ring circus.
** Fitted sheets can kiss my ass — they’re just not meant to be folded.
** My kids STILL haven’t figured out that I’m not a morning person.
** I need to wear earplugs until at least 9 a.m.
** The male version of camel toe is called moose knuckle.
** The skateboards on my front porch are apparently permanent fixtures.
** My kids have no clue how to get toothpaste on their damn toothbrushes.
** I’m allergic to housework.
** There’s a whole forest of trees in my son’s backpack from all the homework papers he’s failed to turn in.
** Sometimes there IS crying in baseball.
** Bedtime is a foreign concept to me anymore. < yawn >
** Parenting can break your heart.
** I should avoid Checkout Lane 5 at the grocery store at all possible costs.
** I can’t remember anything anymore.
** Crap, I forgot what I was gonna say.
** If stupid is as stupid does, then I am a complete idiot.
** Shit NEVER EVER gets done around here.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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