The Clit Cut

    

     My husband often tells me that he is so incredibly thankful that he’s not a woman, considering all the upkeep we females put ourselves through to look good.  Let’s take bikini area maintenance for example.  Men can just let it all hang out since all they have to do is pull on a pair of shorts.  They could have a whole friggin’ jungle growing down there, and no one would be the wiser.  Women, however, have to do some landscaping to make sure everything’s tucked into place when we pull on a bathing suit.  We have two choices: we can shave or we can wax.  The story I’m about to tell you will help you to understand just how and why I decided that waxing is the best (and safest!) course of action for me.

     Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that shaving my bikini region was just a total pain in the ass (pun intended).  There’s razor burn, stubble, and just way too much upkeep for me.  So I thought it would be a good idea to start using my husband’s electric clippers.  (Cue the “Jaws” theme song.)  At first, I went with one of the longer guards just to make sure I didn’t injure myself.  It took me a few attempts before I got the hang of it, but eventually I did.  And I gotta say, I did a pretty damn good job of trimming that kitty up, if I don’t say so myself!  The problem though is that I got arrogant.  In fact, I got downright cocky with it.  I thought I had the whole process down pat and made the huge (and extremely PAINFUL) mistake of foregoing a guard altogether one morning.

     As I was trimming away, I must’ve gotten the blade off kilter because I suddenly felt a serious twinge of pain.  I looked down to see a pool of blood forming on (get ready for it….) my CLITORIS!  HOLY FREAKING MOTHER OF SHIT!!!!  What the hell had I just done?  Had I just permanently damaged my pleasure principle?  You may not know this (and why the hell would you?!), but cuts in that area tend to bleed a decent amount.  No amount of pressure application was making it stop.  I dabbed and dabbed, I pressed and pressed, but it kept on dribbling blood.  I tried to take deep breaths, but I inevitably began to freak out.  I contemplated putting a Bandaid on it, but I didn’t know how that would feel when it was time to remove the bandage.  What if I bled to death naked right there in my bathroom floor?  Would my obituary read, “Suburban Mom Cuts Her Clit To Death In Shaving Accident“?  I just couldn’t let my kids live with that kind of a legacy.

     After pressing with many wads of toilet paper, the bleeding eventually subsided, and I was left with a tiny cut to remind me of the horrific incident. When it finally healed, I shopped around to find the best damn bikini waxer in town and have never looked back again.  I had to reassure my clitoris that I was hanging up those clippers for good.  Luckily, with time, it’s finally learned to trust me again.  So, let this be a lesson for all you shavers out there. Keep your hand steady when you’re working with fragile goods.  

**This message has been brought to you by the Foundation for Clitoris Protection and Preservation.** 

This entry was posted in mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to The Clit Cut

  1. holy.

    shit.

    two things:

    trimming that puppy up

    i think i speak for the entire male gender when i say we prefer to think of it as a cat, hence the term, well, you know the term.

    second, w/ regard to the bleeding…did you think about throwing a raw steak on “that puppy?” works for a black eye. why not a red clit.

    good stuff, NFM.

  2. MamaBennie says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SOOOOO <3 YOU! I was laughing so hard I was crying.

  3. Christina says:

    Props to you for sharing this story in such a public forum! OUCH

  4. Omg I have to say that this cracked me up. BUT I’ve gotten waxed before..just once. I compared the pain to childbirth and have been shaving ever since. Thanks for sharing this though. Great story.

  5. Oh yes I have been there and done worse. Trimming with actual scissors and cut mine. Trimming with clippers and cut other areas. Waxing and had what felt like my entire labia minora yanked right off…by a professional. Good times. Painful times. Peeing afterwards was kind of like smearing chili past all over.

  6. Jenny says:

    Jen – can I just say that TMI is a complete understatement!!!!!!!! :)

  7. Loukia says:

    Holy fucking shit indeed! OUCH OMG!!!!!!!!

  8. patty punker says:

    a clit scar is totally bad ass! no, seriously, i feel your pain, every method has its drawbacks.

    ps: love that sign the boy is holding!

  9. Bree stone says:

    oh my god. an all to clear personal memory on my part! that shit does hurt!!

  10. Sandy says:

    I love you for writing this. My legs are currently glued together at the thought of going through this…the thought of maybe losing your clitoris completely must have been terrifying! I’m glad you made it through ok, and that your clitoris has recovered! :)

  11. Carabee says:

    My husband once caught his ball sack in his trimmers. He doesn’t do quite as much manscaping these days. Sigh.

  12. I’m speechless…

    Utterly speechless! I’m just thinking of the 911 call..

    Operator: I’m sorry Ma’m you did what? Where?

    You: Yes, lady I cut off my clit..get some over here!

  13. drlori71 says:

    Good lord! Ouch! I’ve had patients come in with abscesses or herpes lesions on that lady bit but I’ve never heard a story like yours. Ouch! (yes I said it before but…ouch!) I’m glad it healed and you’re staying away from the clippers :-)

  14. BugginWord says:

    *covers crotch with hands and slowly backs away from screen*

  15. Evonne says:

    OMG! I’m crying I’m laughing so hard, but I am sorry about this mess.

  16. Ginny says:

    Really cool clit fact: Clitoris’ are approximately 8″ in length. Most amazing thing I’ve ever read! The Guide To Getting It On has some serious interesting info!

    As for my hubby and me, we help each other out in the grooming department. Gotta keep the intimacy alive :)

  17. Jabulani says:

    I’m with you sister – waxing all the way after a coupla close encounters with blades. However, for a real pain experience, try doing your own bikini wax … fun, fun, fun. Er, not so much.

  18. dina says:

    i freaking love it, although i have NEVER cut my clit, the itch is enough to make me go for the wax no matter how demeaning the process is.

  19. Freaking hilarious!!!

    Girl, you need to look into laser hair removal. It hurts worse than childbirth, but so worth it. Your clitoris will thank you.

    -Aimee

  20. Christine says:

    OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! Okay, I could write a book when it comes to this topic. First of all…it was the best thing I read all day. ROLMAO –> pleasure principal!!! Mwahahahaha

  21. Shannon says:

    OMG That is a funny story… I would like to say I feel your pain, but thank god I have not ever felt that pain.

  22. Angie says:

    That’s crazy! U better hang with peel and stick regime that’s fo sure! The picture is almost as funny as the entry- u hv serious talent expressing your experiences- go girl;)

  23. Swirl Girl says:

    So what you’re saying is that you don’t think there would much of a market for the Ginsu Dildo??

  24. Pauline says:

    Holy mother of God. I’m amazed. I’m laughing. And I’m totally dying over here.
    Wow. now inspired to share some of my more embarrassing stories. But I don’t know if I can top this one.

    • mama2point0 says:

      I highly recommend sharing your embarrassing moments. It’s WAY more fun to laugh at yourself if you’ve got others to laugh with you. And, an added bonus, is that people totally dig it! This was my most viewed post of all my posts I’ve ever written! My clitoris is blushing. ;-)

  25. Wins my vote for best female landscaping story!

    • mama2point0 says:

      Haha! Thanks for sharing in my landscaping saga! It was a hard lesson to learn that wax is my friend when it comes to that area. ;-)

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