For most people, taking a shower all by themselves is standard procedure. They jump in, they jump out, and the only person who’s watching them is their own reflection in the bathroom mirror. For me, though, it’s a full-on freaking peep show from the moment I turn on that faucet. It’s like I’m the damn Pied Piper attracting all the little mice in my house to come join me in all my nakedness.
Yesterday was a day like most others when I had no time to shower until the end of the day. (I’ve grown accustomed to wearing sweaty workout clothes all day, thank you very much!) So when my husband, bless his little heart, agreed to supervise bathtime for the kids last night, I thought I might just have five precious minutes to finally rinse the stink off me. FIVE MINUTES! That’s not too much to ask for — is it??!! I had just washed my hair when in came my daughter like a flipping tidal wave. The child was so hyped up that you would’ve thought she’d had a speed sundae for dessert.
She immediately burst into a medley of songs ranging anywhere from Taylor Swift to Lady Gaga, all at volumes that nearly shattered the glass on the shower door. The fun then transitioned into a creepy version of peek-a-boo, whereby she’d poke her head all the way into the shower, and then she’d disappear, shouting, “Can you see me? Can you see me now?” When this became boring for her, she then switched over into an anatomy lesson, loudly identifying all of my body parts that she could see. The ones she found particularly interesting? My butt and my boobs, which sent her into fits of snorts and giggles. (Personally, I didn’t see what was so funny about them, but maybe that’s just me.) I sent God a personal thank you note when she finally exited the room to take her own bath. Maybe I’d still have one or two minutes of peace….
I hadn’t even completed that thought before my son then bounced into the room to point out the already obvious. “Mommy, you’re naked!” he squealed with laughter. I was just about to scream for my husband to get his ass in there and remove this latest peeping Tom, when my son did something to totally redeem himself. He cracked the shower door so that he could blow me a kiss and said, “This kiss is waterproof, Mommy, so it will never wash off.” My heart melted right there on the spot, despite the fact that I was dripping wet in my birthday suit.
Five minutes — that was all I asked for, remember? I should really start charging admission. Either my kids really really love being with me and can’t stand even a minute without me, or they totally get their shits and giggles by bugging the absolute hell out of me any chance they get. My guess? It’s a combination of both of these, because that’s what parenting is all about. You take the good with the bad and try to hang onto your sanity for dear life every step of the way.