This time of the year is truly one of my absolute favorites. I love the traditions, I love the family time, and I especially love the excited smiles on my kids’ faces. However, there are some parts of the season that inevitably bring out my inner Scrooge. Here are some examples of how the holidays can just suck the life right outta ya:
1. Everybody from the teachers, to the bus drivers, to the mailman, to the paper boy, to the trash collectors expect some type of gift from you every stinkin’ December. Apparently, they all seem to think they’re entitled to a damn present. What I wanna know is why the hell should I buy my garbage guys something special for NEVER EVER putting our garbage cans back in the right place AND for setting them upside down each and every freaking week? And our mailman who oh so conveniently leaves an empty envelope for us to enclose our “holiday donation”? I don’t think so buddy — that shit’s going straight into the trash. Let the incredibly inconsiderate garbage pricks pick up your incredibly obnoxious attempt at begging. Have we all forgotten that a gift is “something that is given FREELY“?! It is by no means something that you are forced or expected to give.
2. The amount of catalogs that are crammed into my mailbox day after day at this time of the year is nothing short of disgusting. We have surely killed no less than five dozen forests so far, and we still have three more shopping weeks to go. Believe it or not, I actually received THIRTEEN catalogs in just one day last week! My recycling box looks like it’s vomiting glossy pages. And 99% of these stupid catalogs are filled with shit that I would never even consider buying. Honestly, who in their right mind would spend $199.95 on a dumb ass looking head massager that plays music? Or pay $79.95 a pop on heinous-looking sheepskin car seat covers? If you seriously want to waste your money on crap like this, then you might want to re-evaluate your priorities in life.
3. The lines at any given place of business during the holiday season make me want to jam a newly sharpened pencil right into each one of my eyes. Cause if you think you can just run in and out of a store for the littlest thing, you’d better think again, my friend. Your ass is gonna be standing behind a whole slew of other pissed off people who are all in just as much of a hurry as you are. You could walk into a friggin’ mattress store and wait for two days just to even talk to a sales associate.
4. And if by some God-awful chance you have to return something, you might as well go ahead and just shoot yourself now. Without question, you will be dealing with some of the most infuriating people to ever walk the earth. If you can even survive long enough to make it through the returns line, you will then have to explain the reason for your return about 300 times before someone will finally comprehend the words coming out of your mouth. And if you don’t have a receipt, well then, you better hope and pray that you’re packing a bottle of Tylenol and a flask of whiskey cause you’re gonna need it after the hassle you’re sure to endure. You’re better off to just keep that stupid-looking reindeer sweater that Aunt Judy sent you.
5. The advertisers may be smart in their strategic thinking, but it’s a bit on the overkill side when your kids are watching Spongebob and are subsequently bombarded with every stinkin’ toy commercial under the moon during the holiday season especially. I guarantee you that my son would never have even known that a super duper extra-large Nerf gun even existed were it not for all those commercials. And you can bet your silver jingle balls that I wouldn’t be sitting on a waiting list for a damn “Pillow Pet” if my daughter hadn’t seen the advertisement sixty-five thousand times. I know you’re probably sitting there thinking that the easiest solution would be to just stop letting my kids watch t.v., right? Well, that would just be nucking futs! Sometimes, mama just needs a break. And besides, my husband works in advertising, so, unfortunately, all those obnoxious ads help to bring home the bacon.
So, yeah, all of these things make me feel like yelling “Bah humbug!” every now and then, so sue me. As hard as I try to not let other people’s nasty attitudes get to me, there’s only so many times people can bump into me at the mall or cut me off on the highway or speak to me like I’m an idiot before I start to crack. It’s like everyone gets so caught up in all the hustle and bustle so much that they zoom right by the whole reason for the season in the first place. Maybe if we all just chillaxed with a hot toddy and/or a hot body, we’d be a whole lot jollier.