** I’m being stalked by a grasshopper.
** Amusement parks are where manners go to die and germs go to thrive.
** Sleeping with the windows open is awesome. Unless your neighbor’s dog sounds like a dying coyote.
** “Not Dishwasher Safe” is apparently a warning rather than a suggestion.
** Carrying on a deep conversation while having a bikini wax is quite the challenge.
** I totally think I need a Roomba.
** There’s a reason why cheap dog poop bags are so cheap.
** If I didn’t go to the grocery store EVERY FLIPPING DAY, the cashiers would start to look for me.
** The hospital is no place for healthy people.
** When your kids throw out the “I’m bored” card, it’s time to play the “Let’s clean toilets” card.
** I enjoy talking to myself cause I’m the only one who seems to listen to me.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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