** Parting your hair on the opposite side feels like wearing your shoes on the opposite feet.
** Siri evidently hates me.
** When your boy/girl twins share a bathroom, your son may very well end up taking a bath in scented sparkles.
** Dottie Sandusky is about as trustworthy as Goatdog is with a plate of bacon on the counter.
** You know you’re either older or wiser when you wanna go to bed before your kids.
** Going out to lunch reminds me how much I hate to make lunch for myself.
** The coat closet in our foyer stores just about everything BUT coats.
** Automated phone systems are a true test of the ol’ attention span.
** I might start pulling out my own teeth so that the Tooth Fairy visits ME for a change.
** An airplane can apparently just disappear into thin air, which totally restores my faith in flying.
** The mirrors in department store dressing rooms are clearly from the funhouse.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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