** Whoever declared the recorder a “musical” instrument was obviously deaf.
** The UPS man has left more on my porch lately than the squirrels have.
** Slow drivers should really just stay the hell out of all the holiday hustle and bustle.
** Christmas would be a lot less stressful if money did, in fact, grow on trees.
** When all the liquor at your grocery store is 30% off, it’s a pretty darn good day.
** It’s SUPER FUN when each of your kids comes home from school with yet another gingerbread house for the dog to eat.
** Remembering things is evidently not one of my talents this month.
** I will likely start craving brains for dinner any day now since my zombie transformation is just about complete.
** Christmas cookies are clearly made of sugar and crack and everything whack.
** Letting your kids open just one little gift the week before Christmas is like giving a ravenous bear just one little bite of the steak you’re dangling in front of him.
** ‘Tis the season for meltdowns, road rage, and assholes.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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