** Shrinky Dinks may be the dumbest art project ever invented.
** I really don’t need to know WHY there’s a streak of poo on the side of the toilet.
** “Make Your Own Pizza Night” is really just my way of saying, “Fix Your Own Damn Dinner!!!”
** The dog needs a serious dose of Xanax. (So he can share some with me.)
** My daughter’s gym shoes smell like a skunk rolled in vomit.
** Removing a pan from the oven with a potholder hurts way less than with your hand.
** Ryan Lochte and his six-pack are full of all kinds of yumminess.
** Somebody invited ants to the party, and it sure as hell wasn’t me.
** A hazmat suit needs to become part of my wardrobe.
** My kids have more excuses than a cheating husband when it comes to bedtime.
** Being organized seems like a whole lotta work.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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