** A lovely Valentine’s morning can quickly turn to a red and pink poop storm when you’re a parent.
** If the smell of your own morning breath is making you gag, you know it’s time to brush those pearly whites.
** I always seem to park in the spot where some lazy jackhole has left his unreturned shopping cart.
** Cookie bouquets are the bomb diggity!!!
** A life without good friends is like a cheeseburger without cheese.
** If you keep calling your dog over and over and he doesn’t respond, it might be because you’re calling him your son’s name.
** Whitney Houston’s “greatest love of all” was evidently the drugs that, no doubt, killed her.
** Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, that not all smoke alarm batteries go out at 3 AM.
** Good hair days typically only happen when you aren’t planning to actually leave your house.
** The Girl Scouts should really figure out how to direct ship all those damn cookies.
** Accidentally drooling on yourself in public is a good way to get people to stop talking to you.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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