** Bloating and cramping are God’s way of saying, “Sucks to be you!!!”
** Giselle Bundchen needs to be introduced to the wonderful world of duct tape.
** A rotten bag of mushrooms makes your entire refrigerator smell like skunk asshole.
** My kids will disagree, but 9:00 PM is NOT snack or party time (unless you’re over thirty).
** Math assignments that involve magazines or newspapers can bite me.
** If I’m deaf by the time I’m forty-five, I’m totally blaming motherhood.
** Nobody seems to notice a giant boombox in the middle of the stairwell. Except my big toe, that is.
** Every day seems to be a battle between whether to work out or to take a nap.
** Cupcakes make a shitty day a little less shitty.
** My husband would never ever pass third grade spelling.
** The dog food bin is TOTALLY the best place to hide Lego creations. Evidently.
** Reality tends to trump willpower nearly every single time.
** No matter how hard I try, I’m always as late as a pregnant chick’s period.
** The fact that Mean Mom is the only one who’s around when it’s way past bedtime is completely lost on my children.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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