** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don’t ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it’s time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn’t gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you lemons, it’s best to dance while making lemonade.
** Questions before 8 AM should totally be illegal.
** Inserting foot into mouth is something I do quite well.
** Dressing room mirrors are as cruel as Joan Rivers on the red carpet.
** If no one is bleeding or dead, that is considered a successful day.
** Child labor is one of the great benefits of parenting.
** Contrary to what my kids think, boogers are not a snack food.
** I will forever be a human coat rack.
** Asking for a drama-free morning in my house is like asking a nudist not to be naked.
** Homework and wine go hand in hand.
** Sometimes it really does help to read the directions.
** The males in my house would no doubt forget their balls if they weren’t attached to their bodies.
** It’s a double-edged painful sword when a woman sleeps through the night without having to pee.
** Peace and quiet are about as likely to show up in my house as a maid and a bartender.
** If I had a dollar for every time I dropped my iPhone, I could buy a new iPhone.
** Friends don’t let friends walk around with camel toe.
** There’s a “Know-It-All Mom” in every single crowd.
** No matter where you hide, they ALWAYS find you.
** M&M’s last about as long in this house as a teenage boy with a hooker.
** If my daughter had a tattoo, it would say, “I save the drama for my mama.”
** It’s time to do laundry when you’re trying to talk your second grader into going commando.
** I would punch myself in the face if I had to work at a Build-A-Bear Workshop.
** I’m just a mini bar and a pillow away from living in my car.
** I would rather give a homeless man a pedicure than watch the Casey Anthony trial on t.v.
** When you travel with kids, it’s a trip. When you travel without them, it’s a vacation.
** Trying to get your kids to sleep at a water park is like trying to get a nun to pole dance.
** It’s safer to just wear a helmet 24/7.
** There’s nothing sexier than watching your husband empty the dishwasher completely unprompted.
** 2 AM looks WAY different than it used to.
** Someone should come up with a Beano for brain farts.
** Whoever said “Don’t cry over spilled milk” never saw how much friggin’ milk my kids spill.
** It helps to remember that there’s always someone with a messier house than you.
** Camping is so much more enjoyable when I don’t have to be a part of it.
** If a man looks like a gang of pubes have collected on his chin, he should probably think twice about sportin’ a beard. Just sayin’.
** My son keeps more crap in his bed than Hugh Hefner.
** The volume of kids’ voices immediately goes to full max when dining in a restaurant.
** People who only write inspirational quotes for their Facebook status scare me.
** I’m ready for bed before my kids are anymore.
** Not even Calgon can take me away at this point.
** The evolution of road rage surely began in a school carpool line.
** It’s called a “hot” glue gun for a reason. Ouch!
** There’s no calling in sick when you’re a mom.
** If clogging up toilets were an Olympic sport, my children would have a gold medal in it.
** My last uninterrupted conversation took place in 2002.
** A giant cardboard box is the greatest toy you could give a kid.
** When you run errands without a bra, you’re guaranteed to run into people you know.
** Every time I try to be the early bird, my kids have already beaten me to the damn worm.
** Skid marks can suck it.
** Screw Santa — MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!
** There’s something pretty freaking awesome about staying in your pj’s all day long.
** A brick wall would respond more to a conversation than my kids do sometimes.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
HERE’S TO LEARNING MANY MORE THINGS IN THE NEW YEAR!!!!
* Cheers, y’all! *