The Family Portrait

It’s kinda hard to believe, but the Nucking Futs clan has never ever had a professional family photo taken.  Sure, we’ve had the kids photographed out the yin yang but never with my husband and me.  So this past weekend, we decided to take advantage of the unbelievably gorgeous fall weather and round up our crew for a picture at the beach.

Given that preparedness is not really our strong suit, we were naturally not the least bit organized for such a historic event.  In fact, the only one of us who was even slightly camera ready was Goatdog, who had been at the groomer’s last week getting beautified.  The rest of us, though, didn’t even have coordinating attire, which we unfortunately discovered THE MORNING OF THE PHOTO SHOOT.  (Did I mention we’re an unprepared bunch?)

So I sent my husband out to bang on the doors of the Gap so they’d open promptly at 11:00 AM as advertised.  His mission was to find three plain white shirts for my son, my daughter and for him.  Seriously, how hard could that be, right?  He was able to find a shirt for himself, but evidently, there wasn’t a single white shirt to be found in the kids’ section, forcing him to purchase a men’s small and a women’s x-small for the twinkies.

When my kids came into my bathroom to show me their outfits, I nearly burst into tears.  The shirts were so ridiculously ginormous on them that it looked like they were being swallowed alive.  Honestly, I think the two of them could’ve fit into one shirt together.  Believe you me, there was a whole lot of bunching and scrunching and tucking to get all that extra fabric shoved into their khaki shorts.  Finally, though, we were all dressed and almost ready to go.  And that’s when all hell broke loose….

I’m not exactly sure what prompted it (nor do I really give a shit), but somebody started shoving, and the next thing we knew, there was a sibling wrestling match going on in our kitchen.  Screaming and crying ensued, and my daughter’s face and hair were soon covered in snot, the perfect touch for our family photo op, don’t ya think?  I was so ready to call the whole thing off as I shouted, “This is gonna be the fakest picture ever!!!!

Nevertheless, though, we eventually loaded everyone in the car and made our way over to the beach.  And surprisingly, the calmness and the beauty of Lake Michigan helped to ease the massive tension that had previously been in the air.  It was a quick kind of “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” experience, but I truly think we were successful in capturing at least one good shot of our family.  And if not, then we’ll remember why we never did a freaking family photo all these years….



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7 Responses to The Family Portrait

  1. Heather H says:

    Love it! I can so relate. I actually started the family portrait at Christmas the year my oldest was born (12 years ago). Those first few photos are filled with red eyed kids and tears flowing. Actually, one of the photos captured my son in full fledge crying. When I became a single mom, I was determined to continue the pictures with me and my kids and so I did and then when I got remarried I thought it would be “fun” for our huge, 8 person, blended family to take a family photo. That’s when family picture day affectionately became known as “torture day.” First few years, I had the kids wear their Christmas best but after countless complaints, we moved to jeans and black-shirts. This didn’t make it any better…. my DD and SD called it “black and blue” day as they said I was scarring them emotionally with family pix. This year I thought I’d be tricky and we had a tie dye party in the summer where all 8 of us made shirts. I then packed them on our camping trip and “forced” the kids to wear them and take some photos. As luck would have it, one of my twin sons fell in the mud about 8 seconds after putting the shirt on. We got the photo. I am thankful for all the photos I have and when I look at each one, I remember the memory of taking the photo and only now can I laugh at each moment.

    Thanks for sharing.

    • nuckingfutsmama says:

      I love that your kids called it “black & blue” day! Too cute! It is funny to think about all the work that goes into taking a little old picture. Life is messy, so it’s no wonder that capturing a moment is pretty messy, as well. 😉

  2. Jewels says:

    Can’t wait to see it!

  3. Let’s review.

    You sent your husband, and two children, unsupervised, to , and we quote, “find three plain white shirts for my son, my daughter and for him.”


    1) Are you mad?
    2) You should be thrilled ambulances were not involved and both children were returned
    3) See item 1

    Geez, you womenz… The things you expect from us men.

  4. Marta says:

    Ha! We were definitely unprepared for our first family photos as well. Thankfully a friend of mine is uber prepared and had the foresight to ask me lots of questions the day before. Important ones like what are you going to wear? We went with black shirts and jeans for the boys and denim skirts and black tanks for the girls. Worked out great!

  5. SC says:

    That is hilarious! I can relate to hubby not coming home with the proper goods for the kiddies, but in my case, always manages to find something for himself.

    I bet the pics turn out smashing… despite the War of 1812 prior to the shoot.

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