** Call me a scrooge, but I wouldn’t even get up at 4 AM for my own friggin’ wedding!!!
** A Chatty Cathy at a nail salon is like a yodeler at a library.
** Easter grass will still be lingering in corners and under furniture come Christmas time.
** Peace and quiet are about as likely to show up in my house as a maid and a bartender.
** The media would no doubt report both the color and the shape of Kate Middleton’s poop if they only knew.
** If I had a dollar for every time I dropped my iPhone, I could buy a new iPhone.
** Donald Trump should worry more about his awful-looking toupee than about O’Bama’s birth certificate.
** I spend more time at my washing machine than I do in my bed.
** If your kids are quiet for too long in the backyard, it’s very likely they’re building a big-ass mudpit.
** Not wearing a hat to the Royal Wedding is like not wearing a costume to go trick-or-treating.
** My son has mastered not only the art of armpit farting but also self-made hickeys.
** If it looks like a meathead and acts like a meathead, it’s probably a meathead.
** Between the rain and the diarrhea bird droppings, I might as well never wash my car again.
** Repeating yourself 8,888,888 times a day is not at all awesome.
** The snoring husband is about to get up close and personal with a roll of duct tape.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
<< SO WHAT DID YOU, YES, YOU, LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>