Things I’ve Learned This Week

** Call me a scrooge, but I wouldn’t even get up at 4 AM for my own friggin’ wedding!!!

** A Chatty Cathy at a nail salon is like a yodeler at a library.

** Easter grass will still be lingering in corners and under furniture come Christmas time.

** Peace and quiet are about as likely to show up in my house as a maid and a bartender.

** The media would no doubt report both the color and the shape of Kate Middleton’s poop if they only knew.

** If I had a dollar for every time I dropped my iPhone, I could buy a new iPhone.

** Donald Trump should worry more about his awful-looking toupee than about O’Bama’s birth certificate.

** I spend more time at my washing machine than I do in my bed.

** If your kids are quiet for too long in the backyard, it’s very likely they’re building a big-ass mudpit.

** Not wearing a hat to the Royal Wedding is like not wearing a costume to go trick-or-treating.

** My son has mastered not only the art of armpit farting but also self-made hickeys.

** If it looks like a meathead and acts like a meathead, it’s probably a meathead.

** Between the rain and the diarrhea bird droppings, I might as well never wash my car again.

** Repeating yourself 8,888,888 times a day is not at all awesome.

** The snoring husband is about to get up close and personal with a roll of duct tape.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.


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15 Responses to Things I’ve Learned This Week

  1. Jen says:

    I totally wish we were neighbors. Yes, sounds all stalkerish, but frankly my psyche could use the real-life laugh. Hoping to be in Chicago within a month and we can go for drinks. I promise to have more than 50% of my mind left by then.

    • nuckingfutsmama says:

      I would LOVE to go for drinks when you get here! Just let me know & we’ll get it on the calendar! 😉

  2. Lauri Harris says:

    I learned that wearing your fancy hat and PJ’s @ 5 am isn’t really sexy. I guess that is why I wasn’t invited to William and Kate’s wedding! Damn!Lauri

    • nuckingfutsmama says:

      If Kate & Wills knew how fabulous you are, Lauri, I have no doubt that you’d be sitting front row & center next to the Queen herself! AND they’d be begging you for a swig from your blinged-out flask! 😉

  3. Frank Balara says:

    Still laughing at the “Kate’s poop” comment. I have your husband’s problem. My Jenny went right past duct tape to kicking me into a seperate bedroom.

    Thanks for the funny!

  4. Ally says:

    Aaack! Trump’s toupee! I wouldn’t get up that early for my own wedding either, let alone two people I don’t know. Loved your list!

  5. HELLZ YEAH to the peace and quiet and Easter grass.

    I introduced my almost 5 year old daughter to ice cream thearpy. And guess what? It totally worked! Thanks, Cold Stone Creamery!

  6. heidi says:

    “** The media would no doubt report both the color and the shape of Kate Middleton’s poop if they only knew.”

    Preach it.

  7. Tiffani says:

    I am loving your blog! I am your newest subscriber! I found you through bloggy moms!! I hope you will find time to check out my blog.


  8. The Mrs. says:

    All the money in the world cannot buy you decent taste in hats 🙂

  9. John says:

    You say “big-ass mud pit” like it’s a bad thing.

    I would have majored in “fart noises” in college if they’d allowed me 😉

  10. patois says:

    Easter basket grass hangs out with the Christmas tree needles in my house.

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